Barry grabby gun debate

A cabinet meeting.  The usual cabinet heads, czars, and thugs notably absent.  The pResident paces around the room restlessly.

[Obama, checking watch] "Dang it!  Where is everybody!"

An unnamed person enters.

[unnamed person] "Sir, the entire government computer system has been compromised."

[Obama] "What?!?"

[unnamed person] "Yes.  It seems the veep has been looking at smut on his PC and somehow a trojan got installed.  It has worked its way through the entire network."

[Obama, into intercom] "Get Joe in here!"

Biden arrives.

[Biden] "Hey, boss!  Whassup?"

[Obama] "I've just been informed that you've been looking at pornography on your official PC."

[Biden, nervously] "I, uh, uh, I... that can't be!  I don't even own a pornograph!"

[unnamed person, to Biden] "Sir, your computer has been infected with a trojan horse, a kind of malware.  It has compromised the entire network.  That typically happens when people visit bad websites."

[Biden] "Oh, I remember now.  The antivirus said it was trying to install a trojan.  I clicked 'OK' cuz, ya know, when I need protection, Trojan, is, ya know, top shelf stuff.  I didn't realize that was a bad thing."

[unnamed person, facepalm]

[Obama] "Anyway.  Joe, I put you in charge of coming up with a comprehensive gun control policy.  How is that coming along?"

Before Joe can answer, a disheveled Hillary enters.

[Hillary] "Sorry I'm late.  Had a rough night."

[Obama, sarcastically] "Brain swelling up again?  Losing your memory?"

[Hillary] "You're half right.  As usual.  See, I was doing tequila shots off the small of some co-ed's back.  Then I hopped in my official State Department SUV and went for a spin.  I saw some right-wing blogger in the crosswalk.  I swerved to hit him, but lost control.  I skidded into a fire hydrant and the airbag deployed.  That's the last thing I remember before the alarm clock went off this morning."

[Obama] "So you probably have no idea what's going on in Algeria."

[Hillary] "Algeria bought Fat Albert's 'Current TV' network.  That's about all I know about it."

[Obama] "That's what I thought, too.  What about your discussions with world leaders about the global gun ban?"

[Hillary] "Ain't got around to it, yet."

Obama is growing visibly impatient...

[Biden] "So, I met with representatives from the NRA, concerned citizens, and other groups.  We..."

Obama cuts him off and dials the phone.

[Obama, into phone] "Eric!  You're late!  We need to talk about guns."

[Holder, on other end of phone call, nervously] "I, uh, uh, I... No can do.  I, uh, uh, I...  I just washed my mustache and can't do a thing with it!"

[Obama] "I'm not talking about Fast and Furious.  I'm talking about taking guns away from law abiding citizens."

[Holder] "Oh!  In that case, I'll be right there!  But first, I have to finish the second level of Angry Birds."

[Biden] "Ya know, boss, I think you should just introduce legislation that bans everything.  Reid will get the Senate on board, and well, the Republicans in the house, well, they're just a bunch of cheese-cutting surrender monkeys.  It'll pass."

[Obama] "Isn't that supposed to be 'cheese-eating surrender monkeys'?"

[Biden, to unnamed person] "I'll give ya one guess who in this room has never ridden in the elevator with John Boehner."

Unnamed person laughs.

[Obama, angrily] "You all are worthless.  I'll handle this myself.  I'll make a televised appearance, surrounded by innocent children, and make an appeal directly to the American people.  My charm will win the day.  Like it always does."