Innominatus

Award time, Barry Dire Campaign Issues, and miscellanea

2012-02-09T18:22:00.000-08:00

The urge to blog had pretty much departed... Not feeling it... Then...

Odie (Woodsterman) gives me something special... (Thankfully, the nurse gave me a shot and said the burning sensation should subside over the next 36 to 48 hours...) Naw, that's not it... He gave me an Award!

Liebster is Austrian for "beloved" or "favorite." Thank you, Odie! With that in mind, I suppose that I should follow the rules and pick me out some Liebster Blogs but I'll save that for the next post, because unlike Madame Clinton who ain't in no ways tard*, I am in many ways tard. 'Cuz last night grandbaby #6 made her arrival. At a little after midnight - which may not seem that late to some of you young 'uns, but for an old fart that has to get up early that is HARSH. Daughter-in-law (and wife) wanted me to be present right there in the delivery room. Unh? "Birth is so beautiful." "Birth is such a miracle." Yadda, yadda, trying to convince me.

No.

Birth is not beautiful. Birth is just like that scene in Alien. Except that instead of a cool little kick-azz monster, you get a noisy little helpless monster. I can do without all that. " I'll be waiting down in the car..."

Then today the contractors are in grinding down the concrete floor in the store. Gonna sand it smooth, fill the cracks and clear coat it. No more carpet. Next time we flood we can clean the place up with a big squeegee (or a hobo on a stick) and be done with it. 'Cept the process is noisy as bleep and dusty as bleep-bleep. The whole scenario leaves me a little grouchy. I mean, even more than normal.

OK, OK... Alright, enough complainin'. On with the story...

Barry Dire Campaign Issues

Obama, Messina, Plouffe, Axelrod and Jarrett are holding a strategy session.

[Obama] "Those danged Catholics sure are stirring up a lot of grief about some pills and rubbers. Geez. It's not like I'm making them bow towards Mecca or something."

[Jarrett] "I recommend you keep the ban. Don't wanna tick off the mean-faced clipped-hair types at Planned Parenthood. We just saw the other day how they react when they don't get their quota of dead babies."

[Obama] "No kidding. I could strangle Pelosi for putting such controversial material in that giant bill I never read before signing."

[Axelrod] "I tried to strangle Pelosi once. All I could get was a handful of loose skin. Not worth the bother."

[Messina] "Thankfully the Republicans are still being republicany and screwing themselves over."

[Plouffe] "Well, there is some worry there. Santorum could take a lot of midwest and rust-belt states we need. And Romney is talking about using a 50-state strategy to flat-out clobber us. He wants a strong mandate, so he has the political cover to keep doing exactly what we're doing. Plus, they're rolling out these..."

[Obama] "What the heck?"

[Plouffe] "They're a bunch of cardboard cutouts of Romney. They going to put them everywhere. OmniRomney they're calling it."

[Obama] "But they're plain and boring. Completely without life or personality."

[Plouffe] "Which means people will believe they're meeting the real Mitt Romney!"

[Obama] "Holy ****! You're right!"

[Plouffe] "Not only that, shake OmniRomney's hand"

[Obama] "Crap!" [shakes hand again] "That's totally believable. Everybody's gonna think they've personally met with him. We're in real trouble!"

[Biden enters] "Hey guys! Whassup?"

[Obama, fearful] "OmniRomney has come to destroy us!"

[Biden] "Really? Lemme check this out." [shakes OmniRomney's hand] "Whoa. Creepy. Did ya hear that Roseanne Barr is running for President?"

[Obama] "No. Am I supposed to care?"

[Biden] "She's running on the Green Tea ticket. No doubt it'll attract a lot of eco- types, weed-burnin' stoners, probably even a few drunk Tea Party people. Since 'tea' rhymes with 'pee', she'll attract all the Occupy people, too. A formidable coalition."

[Obama, panicking] "Get Roseanne on the phone!"

Later that afternoon, Roseanne arrives at the White House.

[Obama, sternly] "How dare you run for president!"

[Barr, sarcastically. Between words, little cracking noises from her chewing gum] "Yeah, well, let's just say you've been a serious letdown there, champ. If this country is every going to be transformed, it's gonna need somebody in charge who can get things done."

[Obama] "And now you think you're The One for the job?"

[Barr] "See, Sparky, the rethuglicans suck. All their candidates suck. Yet they all poll well against you. You are losing to 'pure suck'! Which puts you somewhere, oh, I dunno, somewhere beneath 'pure suck', wherever that is."

[Obama, sadly] "But Michelle said not to worry and that everything will be OK."[wipes tear]

[Barr, loudly] "What the **** does it take to get a ******* Snicker bar around here? Hello!?"

A White House intern dashes in, dutifully unwraps a Snicker bar and offers it to Roseanne.

[Obama] "They never move that fast for me!"

[Barr] "See what I mean? Not only that, I can belt out a mean National Anthem. Wanna hear it?"

[Obama] "No! OK, here's the deal. Drop your presidential bid, and I'll give you a high cabinet position. Wanna take over State from Hillary?"

[Barr] "Isn't it, like, illegal to offer jobs or other compensation to influence a candidate to run/not run?"

[Obama] "Yeah, like Holder is actually going to do anything about it."

[Barr] "Good point. I'll have my agent give you a call. Maybe we can make this work." [stands and gracelessly departs]

[Obama] "Phoo! That was close. Now, what to do about OmniRomney?"

Irritation of the day

2012-02-03T11:49:00.000-08:00

I'm not telling you anything you haven't already heard time and again. I know that spouting all this will accomplish nothing.

But sometimes ya just gotta lance the boil... (Since this is all true, I'm keeping this vague to protect the guilty)
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There is a person in my immediate or "almost immediate" family, who works an entry-level job at or just above minimum wage. This job is not quite full-time. This person has one child out-of-wedlock. This person receives food stamps. This person receives state-subsidized daycare. This person gets OHP (Oregon's version of low-income health coverage). This person gets Section 8 housing, so this person's out-of-pocket monthly rent is about $130. By government standards, this person is living in poverty.

This person lives unmarried with a Significant Other. This SO works a similar entry-level job, and pays roughly half of the household expenses (not that there are many). This SO, however, is not listed as any kind of resident or breadwinner or contributor to the household. The State is aware of this ruse. But like a honey badger, the State just doesn't give a ****.

Haven't heard yet what the SO's taxes look like this year, but this person in my family is getting a $5600 tax "refund" this year. This person is DRIPPING WITH EXCITEMENT about how they're just days away from having a 72" HDTV, a brand new washer and dryer, and some brand new furniture. By government standards, this person is living in poverty.

Meanwhile, I work at least 55 hours a week and have none of those things. My couch is sprouting holes. The boy doggie is overdue for a vet visit, but we can't afford it right now. Keeping up with the bills has been extra challenging the last few months. By government standards, I am a fair bit above median income.

...with liberty and justice for all.

Biden asks the important questions

2012-01-27T14:35:00.000-08:00

Why is it, that no matter how thoroughly I pick my nose,
it is full again just a few minutes later?

Hey, inno? Where's the funny?

2012-01-23T19:59:00.000-08:00

Hopefully I'll get back to normal soon. But today ain't the day. Mucho back pain and sore fingers from ripping out waterlogged carpet. The flood was pretty damaging. It only got a couple inches inside the store, but the whole place now smells like a hardboiled diaperload.

Oh yeah, and the computer...

Yesterday I fired it up. OK, I fired it up AFTER I hooked it to a new surge protector. The dirty water in the old surge protector seemed to be causing a bit of a problem. It booted! Yay! That's about all it did. Got to the desktop and just sat there. Well, I could move the mouse pointer around but that got old pretty quickly. Rebooted. Got to the desktop a little quicker. Tried to launch the CD burning software. Hang. Reboot. Could hear the tick-tick-tick of a struggling hard drive. Must've been a ton of read errors, 'cuz it took about 10 minutes to get to the desktop. Another 20 minutes or so for the burning app to launch. Finally was able to get an up-to-date copy of all the junk created since the last backup. Rebooted again for the heck of it. Everything started to work normally. Woooo! Check email, print, browse the web. Heck, even QuickBooks worked normally, and the company .qbf file is like 300+ megs!

Today?

UNABLE TO FIND BOOTABLE DEVICE. PRESS F2 TO ENTER SETUP

Ratfart! Took the hard drive to the shop, they confirmed it wouldn't even spin. New HD time. Oh, the joy of setting up Windows again... and re-installing all the drivers... and re-installing all the applications... and restoring all the data... Note to self: when the moron at the PC shop puts the little Windows sticker (with the serial number) on the bottom of the PC case where it'll GET FREAKIN' WET AND UNREADABLE AFTER A FLOOD, write that number down somewhere and store it somewhere where it can't GET FREAKIN' WET AND UNREADABLE AFTER A FLOOD. (Or, just put the PC on a high shelf when there is risk of flooding?. -ed. Hey ed, how about you just shut up?)

There was a time (like, 7 years ago) when I was *super* diligent about all this stuff. Used to have a swappable HD *AND* a pair of drives with a RAID running so everything was perfectly cloned - two copies in the machine, plus the removable drive, which would get taken off-site. Eventually, since we never seemed to need the backups, that ceased to be the habit. Even copying crucial things to a CD-R became uncommon. Belated New Year's Resolutions: 1. Make the boss-man do his backups no matter what. 2. Don't let the boss-man set up his PC on the floor. 3a. Find the person who installed that hard drive in the bottom-most bay. 3b. Take that person deep-sea fishing and push him/her/it over the handrail.

Then came the carpet yanking. Too bad it wasn't the stuff you'd put in your house that's just tacked down around the perimeter. No, it had to be that commercial junk that is glued down solid. Well, "solid" in the sense of "halfway unglued and all stretched out and wrinkled and muddy and smelling like a hardboiled diaperload." Just enough glue, however, remained intact such that when the carpet came up, so did all the floor-leveling compound that was under it. Ugh. Did I mention that big logs of soggy carpet are kinda heavy? Dang it Jim! I'm an engraver, not a forklift! Also, the particle-board junk in the toe-kick area under all the showroom displays was warping and falling apart. And smelling like a hardboiled diaperload. So everything is torn up. The dumpster is overflowing and the "showroom" looks like the set of a cheesy disaster movie.

At least we don't have to re-key a ton of junk into QuickBooks, right?

I hate floodwater!!

2012-01-20T11:20:00.000-08:00

Photo from KGW

Remember when Biff said "I HATE MANURE!!!"?

Yeah. Edit Menu > Find "MANURE" > Replace with "FLOODWATER". File Menu > Save As > "AnnoyingBS.docx"

It isn't Minot or anything like that, but it is irritating. Last week we had a fair bit of snow. Our neighbors to the north up in Washington are still getting it. But here, it suddenly turned to warm rain. We got over 4" and it was 51^o this morning. Can you say "rapid snowmelt?" Sure you can. Parts of town are cut off. Couple of mudslides. Stepdaughter can't get to her house. Water came up about 2" inside the signs-n-engraving shop. Nothing really hurt by it. Just messy.

Except...

The newest freakin' computer that we've only had since the end of December. I wanted to go to Fry's and build a PC. But boss man thought sending me to Fry's with the company Visa card might be, oh, just a bit of a risk. So we bought one off-the-shelf from a place here in town. We thought the water had peaked before it made it inside the shop, so no effort was made to lift the new PC from its place ON THE [BLEEP]ing FLOOR! Came in this morning, and could tell from the ring-around-the-bathbub high water mark that water did indeed make it to the PC. Took the cover off the side, and was saddened to find that THE MORON WHO ASSEMBLED IT PUT THE HARD DRIVE IN THE VERY LOWEST BAY. No other components got wet. If the HD had been in ANY of the other half-dozen or so bays, it too would have stayed dry. BUT NO. Since we've only had it a couple weeks, we haven't even done a FREEKIN' BACKUP. All we have is the klunky old HD out of the old PC with QuickBooks files that are now nearly a month out-of-date.

I HATE FLOODWATER!!

"Pissgate" and a theory.

2012-01-16T13:22:00.000-08:00

It's old news now, that some Marines widdled on a dead taliban thug. I'm firmly in the "don't care" camp on that one. It doesn't bother me. I don't want to institutionalize that behavior as acceptable, but neither do I think it is bad enough to warrant any kind of meaningful consequence. To me, it should be like driving 70mph in a 65 zone - technically a violation, but generally ignored.

The outrage brought on by "pissgate" - both feigned and genuine - prompted me to do some thinking, though, and now I want to bounce that thought off you:

Compared to veterans of other wars, veterans coming home from the War on Terror seem to have a higher incidence of PTSD and/or troubles re-integrating into daily life. I could be wrong about this. That might not be the case at all. But it certainly *seems* that way. If it is true, the next question should be "why?" Why are today's veterans more likely to come home with emotional problems?

In previous conflicts, the enemy was clearly depicted as enemy. Check the propaganda of the time - the enemy was made worse than merely "enemy." The enemy was made bestial, barbarous and barely human. The enemy was given unflattering names like "Jap" and "Kraut" and "Gook" and "Hun bastard" whose entrails would make a "good lube for our tank tracks." American society believed our troops to be better than the enemy's, and our cause greater than the enemy's cause. Firebombing (or, gasp, nuking!) a city was acceptable. If an American disrespected an enemy corpse, there wasn't outrage. Because it was the corpse of a enemy! Corpse of a quasi-human devil of an enemy! Americans lost in battle were mourned, and victors given a Hero's Welcome upon coming home. The veteran comes home knowing he did right.

Contrast that with today. Today is tolerance. Today is diversity. Today is moral equivalence. Today it is unacceptable to much of America to assert one's culture is superior to the ~~enemy's~~ other's culture. Today it is "proportionate response" instead of using martial skill and superior arms to the utmost. Kids are taught that all cultures and all religions are equally good. And equally bad. We are told that they are "just like us" and that their customs (however deviant or downright evil) should be respected.

What does all this PC junk do to our troops? Instead of having confidence that the fight is just and the cause is noble, how does that Soldier or Marine not ask himself "What kind of person am I? I've traveled halfway around the world to kill somebody whom I've been told over and over is just like me! What kind of a monster am I becoming?" The veteran comes home but there is no tickertape parade. Instead there is doubt and angst and uncertainty that he did right.

Little wonder that today's veterans are more apt to suffer emotional problems, and that the (mostly harmless) act of urinating on a dead terrorist would prompt so much outrage.

Been diddlin' with the template

2012-01-14T15:20:00.000-08:00

Don't think I'm done yet, but good enough for now. Feedback appreciated. Especially if it is too wide for your display. It is too big for my old-school CRT at home, but I'm sure it'll be fine on my too-cool-for-you LCD at work.

Not a blogiversary, but getting close

2012-01-12T16:40:00.000-08:00

No AM "grunt" job today, and it is the middle of the post-Christmas dead period at my "real" job. Boredom overload. Which leaves me too much time to wander the political blogs. Depression overload. Gingrich, Perry, and to whomever else this may apply: When you are finished curb-stomping your own dingleschnitzels, lemme know. 'Cuz I'd like a turn.

So then I started trying to write something funny about the Iranian nuke-sci guys getting themselves mysteriously blowed up. Not really coming together, unfortunately. I can hardly think of a more enjoyable topic, but it just isn't translating into good blog fodder. Dead end.

But a comment Max left in the previous thread brought to mind one of the funniest things I've seen: I was in about 5th grade, and I was with my family was on a jet-boat excursion on the Rogue River. The boats are big and fast and POWERFUL. They're about the size of a bus and have multiple big-block V8s. They have a driver and a guide who says things like "on your left you'll see an eagle snacking on a steelhead."

Anyway, as we were tooling down the river, there were a bunch of hippies skinny-dipping. One was standing on a rock, naked as a jaybird, struggling to put on his wet socks. The guide said over the PA "This is a family tour! Put some clothes on, hippie!" Rather than take the guide's suggestion, the hippie chose to elevate a finger. (Thankfully, that's all he elevated.) This made the boat driver a bit irate. He swung the boat around and mashed the gas, creating a GIANT roostertail which blasted the hippie right off the rock! I've always dreamed of seeing a hippie get nailed with a fire hose or water cannon. This was the closest I'll likely come to realizing that dream, and it was hilarious. I will cherish this memory for all of my days.

Speaking of these boats, I love 'em. I've been on their excursions a few times and look forward to doing it again. Maybe this summer. There are some spots where it gets really shallow. Especially in summer. Like maybe a foot or so deep. Here, the boats have to go really fast and stay on-plane to keep from dragging hull on the rocks below. Of course the river is twisty, so the driver has to drift sideways through the corners to keep his speed up. Lotta fun. They also do this maneuver where they do a panic-stop kind of thing and flip a quick u-turn. This causes a big wave to come over the side and "dampen" the riders. Nothing like seeing some little old tourist lady from Pasadena getting nailed in the face with river water. Below is a YouTube clip. I wasn't on this trip, and don't know any of the people on board, but it gives you a sense of what the rides are like. (skip to about :25) (video now below the fold since youtube is taking forever to load the preview)

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I was looking through some really old posts, and realized I've been doing this for almost 3 years. Actually, I started before that but all the pre-Obama posts really sucked so they got deleted a long time ago. I'm thinking it might be time to spiff this place up with a fresher template. And the new threaded commenting thing doesn't seem to be working with this template, either. And the blogroll is way past needing updated. And this layout is ugly. And it is fixed-width so it doesn't take advantage of the wider screens most people have nowadays. And, and, and. Need to just get off my rear and make it happen. If you have a blog I don't know about, please let me know. I like visiting readers' sites. Or if you know of some good ones that I may not know of, I'd like to know that, too. If yours has gone dormant, I'm a gonna de-list ya. So hurry up and post something!

Most disgusting moment and other various and sundry stuff

2012-01-10T18:40:00.000-08:00

The Not Romneys are gangin' up, makin' the Mittster look like Richard Gere's character in Pretty Woman. Dunno how that will all turn out. But it doesn't matter whether we're talking leveraged buyouts, prostitution or politics: First, money changes hands... and then somebody gets screwed.

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At the early AM grunt job this morning, we were one person shorthanded. May not seem like a biggie, but that was a third of the staff. So the Manager Girl was trying really hard to do the work of two people for a couple hours. "How un-gentlemanly!" you say to yourself. Well, I have assigned duties I'm not supposed to deviate from. Plus, they've intentionally left me untrained for any of those other things just so they won't be tempted to steal me away from those assigned duties when problems like this arise. Later in the morning, more crew begin to arrive on time and things get closer to normal.

Another Manager Girl arrives. (Yes, ya pretty much gotta have boobs to get a promotion at this place.) We'll call her "Cindy" for the sake of protecting the guilty. She's about 5-foot-nothing and about 100 lbs with her coat on. That famous short guy Napoleon didn't have a Napoleon Complex, he had a Cindy Complex. Cindy is blonde and green eyed and quite cute. And frequently meaner than a hung-over honey badger that just got off the phone with a bill collector. We get along quite well. Did I mention she's preggers? Imagine a hung-over honey badger with hormonal issues and occasional abdominal pains. The joy, it is overwhelming...

She is an accomplished Complainer, and has a complete mastery of every variation of every four-letter word. This morning, whilst standing inertly and doing nothing, she goes on a tirade about how everybody is standing around doing nothing and complaining about being shorthanded. "Instead of [bleep]ing b*tching and bringing everybody down, why don't we just [bleep]ing get to [bleep]ing work and stop with the [bleep]ing complaining!"

This event crossed the Maximum Irony threshold and I could no longer stifle my laughter. Laughing at her when she's PO'd (in other words "laughing, ever") is like snapping Darth Vader with a damp gym towel. Not recommended. I think I still have the job...

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The "Check Engine" light in my car came on yesterday. Now the debate is whether to spend $69 bucks on a code reader to cancel the light, or to do the ol' "disconnect the battery 'til the car forgets that it is stupid" trick. Which would mean re-learning how to set the clock and the radio presets. Leaning towards getting the code reader.

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We've done the "funniest" and "most embarrassing" things here, so what about "most disgusting?" Yay, that'll be fun! First, a little background...

In my old hometown, Memorial Day weekend is the big deal. Parade, carnival, hydroplane races, stuff like that. They call it "Boatnik" and it attracts every gap-toothed tweeker, weed-addled hippie and shirtless beer-sopped redneck in the area. And I'm not just talking about the carnies. The people-watching is almost as fun as the boat races. It was Memorial Day 1990, back when I was Young-n-Stupid^TM (Give-or-take a year. Gimme a break, I'm getting old) and a bunch of my homies and I took the weekend off from college to make the trip back home. We had a bunch of pickups parked in a shape like a star, tailgate-to-tailgate and were beerbonging. If you park your pickups in a ring and beerbong before the hydroplane races, you might... be a redneck. There are two classes of boats...


Fast and agile hydroplanes with outboard motors that race against each other.

And larger two-man boats with gnarly inboard V8s
that race against the clock.

It was suggested that maybe we should climb down the rocks to the water's edge and get a good view, as shown in the pic above.

It's called Hellsgate Canyon for a *reason*, you moron!

I immediately said "no way!" because I'm not so fond of heights. Nor am I real fond of plunging to a stony death. I protested. "People die trying to do that!" (true!) Couple beerbongs later, I was quite full of beer and confidence: "Hey, I gotta idea! Let's climb down the rocks and get a better view!!" Suddenly we all thought that was just an awesome plan. Except for this one kid named Lester. He was looking kinda green and complaining about drinking the beer way too fast.

Cue dramatic music and brace for the disgusting...

Yeah, Lester lost it. Whole gutload of cheap beer launched right into the middle of our little tailgate star. A girl named Wendy said "Oh my gosh! That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" Then this bunghole** of a guy, named John (not me!) said "No it isn't. *THIS* is!" and he reached into Lester's yack... retrieved a remarkably intact piece of macaroni... and ate it. This caused a couple other people to buick right there on the grass between the trucks, too. It was like the pie-eating scene in Stand By Me.

**I say that of him because he was an ornery drunk that always wanted to fight. "Think so? Huh? Wanna go? Right now! Yeah, I knew you're a chicken**** 'cuz you know I could take my AR and blow your head off at 600 yards."

I'm not sure why we ever put up with that dork.

And yes, we did climb down the rocks. It was mossy and slick and incredibly stupid but we all lived to tell the tale.

Most embarrassing moment and other various and sundry stuff

2012-01-06T12:50:00.000-08:00

Yo, yo! Last night was a good one for hoops fans. OSU beat Cal solidly. The Beavs are now 4-0 at games I've attended. Only one game left in our cheap tix package - hopefully the Beavers can go Undefeated While in the Presence of Innominatus. When the Beavs make a three, the guys on the cheer squad throw rolled-up t-shirts into the stands. One of 'em came our way and my wife ~~beat the crap out of the nearby fifth grader who caught it and stole it out of his trembing hands~~ retrieved it as it rolled down the stairs. Yay for aisle seats! Then we got home and learned that the Blazers beat the L.A. Lakurds. Whoo!

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This is cool. It is optimized for Chrome but seems to mostly work in FF, too. Haven't tried other browsers. Type in the address of your childhood home or some other place you have a sentimental attachment, that also has a high likelihood of having been covered by Google Street View.

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Strong, dark coffee + Cool Ranch Doritos = MAJOR YUCK. If you made a New Year's resolution to lose weight, try this combo.

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Pastor's kids getting mini-donut maker + Pastor's kids bring mini-donuts to church = OPPOSITE OF MAJOR YUCK.

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A while back I had a post about the funniest thing I've seen with my own 2 4 eyes. Commenters added good stuff, too. As a variation on that theme, I now offer the most embarrassing thing I've ever endured. I had done a good job of erecting mental walls around that event and forgetting about it, but Manhattan Infidel had to go and bring it back to mind. It goes like this:

Mid '80s. I was a teenager. My friend's parents took him (and me, and a couple other of his friends) out to a fancy dinner for his birthday. It was one of those expensive steaks/dinner theater kind of places. The actors were performing a comedic melodrama with a western theme. An Oklahoma! meets bad-guy-tying-the-girl-to-the-railroad-tracks kind of deal. Friend's parents had arranged beforehand for the actors to come out in the audience and grab my friend and "include" him in a scene. Unfortunately, he was supposed to be sitting in a certain seat since the actors didn't know which of us was birthday boy.

You know where this is headed...

Turns out, I was the one sitting in that seat. I got shanghai'd into the play! I had to roll up my pant legs and put on a skirt. Which was doubly difficult because the 501 jeans that were de regueur at the time are kinda narrow around the ankles. Anyway... Had to dance a can-can Rocketts kind of thing in a paisley skirt with rolled-up jeans cutting off the circulation to my lower extremities. To the hoots and jowls of everybody. HUMILIATION!

Your turn...

PS - if this is the last post I ever put up, blame Manhattan Infidel for evoking this troubling memory - the mere recollection of this event makes me want to flee to Nepal and hide in the Himalayas where the Sherpas don't have internet access and know nothing about this.

Barry scary plane ride

2012-01-05T12:58:00.000-08:00

Air Force 1 en route to ~~campaign stop~~ official business stop. Obama, Plouffe, Jarrett and Axelrod discussing campaign strategy.

[Jarrett] "We need to ditch Biden. The guy's a loon. Get Hillary on the ticket. That'll give us a thin veneer of centrism while we continue with radical redistributionism. Might be enough to fool some of the rust-belt union types."

[Plouffe] "Agreed."

Obama's phone rings

[Obama] " Hello. Commander in Chief speaking."

[Biden, on other end of phone call] "Hey, boss! Joe here. Just wanted to talk to you about the elections this year."

[Obama] "Joe, I told you not to call unless there is an emergency. Is this an emergency?"

[Biden] "Is a frog's butt watertight?"

[Obama] "What?"

[Biden] "Is a pig's butt pork?"

[Obama] "Joe!"

[Biden] "Sorry. I'm working on some folksy, down-home kind of stuff that'll endear us to the stupid southerners. We're going to need to win at least a few of those states."

[Obama] "Joe, we're concentrating on getting the rust-belt voters, rather than those dumb southern racist crackers."

[Biden] "But the rust-belt people hate us."

[Obama] "That's why we're putting Hillary on the ticket to replace you. You embody the rust-belt way too much. So, uh, we're getting rid of you and putting another Chicago thug on the ticket."

[Jarrett nods in approval]

[Biden] "Sir! I do NOT recommend that!"

[Obama] "I know you're just trying to preserve you job."

[Biden] "Naw, it's not that. It's just that I saw Hillary practicing throwing stars, ninja-style. She took down a bigleaf maple tree in three throws. With Hillary one 'accident' away from the Presidency, I'd put the over/under on your continued existence at about, oh, let's put it this way: Yo-Yo Ma wouldn't even be done playing Allah Save the King at your Coronation before Hill would be waving your head around on the end of a spike."

[Obama] "You exaggerate."

A disturbance is heard outside the plane. All aboard look out the portside windows and witness a terrible scene...

[Obama, like a little girl] "Gaaahh! What it that?"

[Hillary cackles and throws a chunk of the Constitution into the jet intake. The plane shudders as the engine begins to fail.]

[Hillary] "Barack! You stole my destiny! But I will steal it back! This plane will be mine! Mwaa-hah-hah-hah-hah! I will paint that blue stripe on it pink and I will rule forever!"

[Jarrett] "Quick! Recite the mantra!"

[Obama, Jarrett, Plouffe, Axelrod, in unison] "Whitewater, Whitewater, Rose Law Firm Billing Records, Travelgate, FBI files! Whitewater, Whitewater, Rose Law Firm Billing Records, Travelgate, FBI file!"

[Hillary, in apparent pain] "Nreeee! I'll be back for you! Be sure of it!" [flys off, over the horizon]

[Obama] "Joe, you still there?"

[Biden] "Does a rattlesnake butt taste like chicken?"

[Obama] "Keep working on that charming down-home thing you're working on. We'll be needing you on the campaign trail!"

Every stinking channel??

2011-12-31T16:51:00.000-08:00

[voiceover]
-----------
Janet, Janet, we adore thee. We think you are super hot.
-----------
I don't go out on dates any more. My life could get no lamer.
I sit in the scan booth and play with myself. I'm a TSA'er!
-----------
I'm on the edge of hurling
Napolitano's face makes me spew
I'm on the edge of hurling
Starting to gag what about you?
------------
[voiceover]
------------
And here's to you, Ms. Napolitano

We jus' loathe you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)

Seal the border, please, Ms. Napolitano

If you want to, you can find a way

(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

You'd like to know a little bit about me for your files

You think we're just like Al-Qaeda

Look around you, what you see are loyal, patriot eyes

God & guns & liberty do not make me the bad guy

Middle finger for you, Ms. Napolitano

We jus' loathe you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)

Seal the border, please, Ms. Napolitano

Criminals crossing every single day (Hey, hey, hey...ho, ho, ho)

Sneakin' 'cross the desert where no one ever goes

Killin' ranchers, stealing IDs

It's a little secret, just Napolitano's affair

Worst of all is when they light the desert on fire

Cuckoo, screw you, Ms. Napolitano

We jus' loathe you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)

Seal the border, please, Ms. Napolitano

Even though we're pretty sure you're gay (Hey, hey, hey...ha, ha, ha)

Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon

While all the candidates debate

Blog about it, shout about it

When you've got to choose

Ev'ry way you look at it, we're screwed

What have you done, Barack Hussein-O

Lib'rals turned their teary eyes to you (Boo hoo hoo)

What's that you say, Ms.Napolitano?

Hopenchange got on the plane and flew away

(Hey, hey, hey...vacay today)

Silly song o' the week

2011-12-28T13:38:00.000-08:00

In light of Paula Deen's comments, ("Michelle Obama loves fried food and ate more than any other guest I've had on my show") and MichelleO's own recent comments, this song may be more true than not.

Alternate link to download and play in preferred media player

Turkey legs make her smile
Donuts light up her eyes
She'll slap up your face then hog the moon pies
The skin she reveals, you won't want to see
She whines like a child,
Her thighs jiggle like Jell-O at sea.

She can give you a shove
She can take all the wagyu
She'll say "your kid's fat!"
And then nanny-state you
She shnorks down the best US Prime Grade A beef
Like Commander in Thief
But she's always MichelleO to me

CHORUS:
Oh--she looks out for herself
She can eat what she wants
Always dinner time
Oh--and she never cuts back
And she never gives in
She just eats the pork rinds

She eats up more tacos
Than hundreds of heathen
You take her last biscuit
And you'll be the one bleedin'!!
She gobbles the best US Prime Grade A beef
Blame it all on Gee-Dubya
Cause she's always MichelleO to me
--Mhmm--

Bridge

CHORUS:
Ouch! She just bit off my thumb!
Can you get me a towel
And then call 9-1-1 ??
Ouch! She just did it again!
Can't believe how it bled!
Oooh! I can get SSI

She is infrequently kind
And she's usually cruel
She can do as she pleases
'Cuz barry's a fool
Got my kids hidden safely up in a tree
'Cuz it's scary as hell, that Michelle My Belle
When she snarls like a wookie at me

Barry necessary vacation

2011-12-23T13:29:00.000-08:00

White House briefing. The usual Secretaries, Department heads, Czars, and not-convicted-yet felons in attendance. The pResident enters, skipping like a schoolchild, with an uncommonly wide grin.

[Biden] "Sir! You're looking extra chipper this morning! Must be looking forward to the vacay in Hawaii, eh?"

[Obama] "That's not it at all, Joe. Actually, what it is, is that the last couple nights are the best sleep I've had in years."

[Biden] "When I'm away from Jill, I toss and turn all night. I hate it."

[Obama] "OK, you didn't hear this from me, but... Michelle snores. Really snores. Like a congested walrus. Drives me nuts. I'd use earplugs, but as you know, nobody makes them in my size. With her already in Hawaii, I've finally been able to rest."

[John Holdren, Science Czar] "Sir, if I may interject. I once ran an audio sampling of your wife's snoring through a spectrum analyzer. Turns out, it is less of a 'congested walrus' sound, than it is a 'somebody trying to blast a congested walrus through an InSinkErator using a diesel-powered leaf blower' sound."

[Obama] "OK, 'nuff of that. Where we at and what we got? Axe?"

[Axelrod] "Your poll numbers continue to reek. However, people are slightly less pessimistic about the economy. That bodes well."

[Obama] "Nice."

[Axelrod] "However, that all depends on the Europeans making the difficult choices to get their debt problems under their control without blowing up the world economy. How likely do you think that is?"

[Obama, still unusually upbeat] "I'm screwed. Understood. State?

[SecState Hillary] "Sir, the Russians hate us, the Chinese hate us. Even the Syrians are saying they wish Booooosh were still president. Chavez says you are a clown. We are like a piñata that the whole world is taking swings at. Oh, and in Egypt the military is going around stomping on innocent women. Right there in the street."

[Obama] "Good thing I gave that historic speech there in Cairo a couple years ago. Otherwise those filthy whores who deserve to, uhh, excuse me. Otherwise, those innocent women would be getting hosed down with sustained full-auto weapons fire, instead of merely stomped on."

[Clinton, eyeroll] "Yeah. OK. Also, some columnists at the Politico wrote a very convincing essay on why I should run for President."

[Obama, no longer upbeat, lunges across the table and angrily grabs Hillary by the collar] "Listen to me very closely... If you run against me..." [now eyeball-to-eyeball with Hill] "I will shove a cactus up your actus... You'll rue the very day you were born... Do you smell... What Barack... Is Cookin'??" [releases grip] "And what's with the bright floral print in the middle of winter? Girl, you have the most miserable fashion sense."

A nearly invisible figure enters the room. MichelleO de-cloaks and approaches Hillary.

[MichelleO, menacingly] "What Barack said... Times 10... Capiche?"

[Hillary, frightened nearly to death] "B-b-b-but I thought you were in Hawaii!?!"

[MichelleO] "I WAS." [taps button on her bracelet to re-cloak and disappears out of the room]

[Obama] "It's best not to tick me off. It's even better not to tick her off. With that, I bid thee a-doo and depart for my much needed vacation."

I could get into this.

2011-12-22T12:40:00.000-08:00

A drunken soccer hooligan (is there any other kind of hooligan? -ed.) charged the field and got an epic beatdown courtesy of the Dutch goalkeeper. Now *this* is my kind of soccer. I could actually enjoy full-contact soccer. Not the "yellow-card my opponent while I writhe in pain because our feet almost touched" non-contact soccer that prevails internationally these days. What a bunch of wussicles. But soccer cross-pollinated with Ultimate Fighting? I. AM. SO. THERE.

What I'm envisioning would be like this: At random intervals, the Designated Blower would toot his vuvuzela. Play would immediately stop, and a drunken hooligan would charge onto the field. A guy wearing #34 with little spiky things on his shoes, dressed like a Georgia Tech cheerleader, would square off with the drunken hooligan. No holds barred. Groin kicks not only allowed, but encouraged. (Hence the name "fútbol" ). Winner gets a £10 million contract with Manchester United. How awesome would that be? The "Beautiful Sport" would become the "Watchable Sport" and pay-per-view revenues would soar!

The only thing that keeps my idea from becoming a reality is the sheer dearth of drunken soccer hooligans. If only they weren't so mannered and orderly...

PS - I don't dislike soccer or soccer players. This isn't intended to be one of those jingoistic "American fooball is better than World football" flame wars. But making fun of soccer players is irresistibly fun. Like pinching occutards with BBQ tongs and listening to their whiny cries of "shtop it! You're hurting me!" I just never tire of it.

Park of the Whining Scum

2011-12-20T22:12:00.000-08:00

OK. Seriously. I started this song a loooong time ago, back when the occudorks were still kind of relevant. But there were a number of problems. First, I couldn't get the timing on the arpeggios to my satisfaction. Secondly, I don't know how to play keyboard instruments worth pbthbth. So I used the bass and cranked it up two octaves in the software, which made it sound pretty cool. Interesting swells and stuff in there that can't really be heard at normal frequencies. But it still really stunk, terrible timing. Sounded like 4 bad musicians playing 4 different songs at the same time. (In other words, "jazz"). So I downloaded a MIDI app. Never used one before - this is the first effort. All the instruments you hear are ordinary MIDI voices that came either with Windows or my sound card. My cheap-o $9 mic's cord is failing, so I had to sit super still and there's still a lot of garbling. Oh well. (Plus, it would help if I could actually sing. But you knew that already.)

--------------------------------

While the original author is unknown, this song was popularized by The Animals and covered by lots of bands including The Doors. So I present to you my version. And remember, it isn't "bad" it's, um, "campy." Yeah, campy.

If that doesn't work, here's an Alternate Link to download and/or play in Windows Media Player (or similar).

There is a park in NYC
Occupied by whining scum
They raped each other and took dumps on the street
A perfect storm of dumb

Now the only thing a hippie needs
Is a dry tent and bong
And the only time he's satisfied
Is when he's banging' a gong

Bloomberg kicked some of 'em out
But quite a few remain
I tell you what they play those drums one more bleeping time
I'm gonna beat 'em with a chain.

Mothers don't let your children
Run up debt on stupid degrees
You know the kind I'm talkin' about
Their PhD's in Puppetry

They twinkled up and they twinkled down
They twinkled all around
They twinkled in cups, vases and pots
And even on the ground

Well, there is a park in NYC
Occupied by whining scum
They raped each other and took craps on the street
A perfect storm of dumb

I am still interested in collaborating on some of these silly things. I'm so not a musician, but I think it'd be fun and we could probably get a better result together than me doing everything. The software is all free and not that hard to figure out. We could get some shared space on Drop Box or one of the cloud-based services to exchange files. Lemme know.

The Plane, Boss! The Plane!

2011-12-16T16:03:00.000-08:00

On an arid Persian plateau, Mahmoud and Jamaal tend to some goats.

[Jamaal] "Mahmoud! Look in sky! What strange airplane!"

[Mahmoud] "That is no plane. I have no seen the plane like this before!"

The stealth drone comes to an abrupt landing nearby, but remains mostly intact. The herdsmen approach cautiously.

[Mahmoud] "Oh no! It is not plane. It is UFO! Now comes time when small gray man with the big eyes depart the UFO and probe my 'down there' place with strange instrument!"

[Jamaal] "Mahmoud, be reasonable. The Prophet wrote of no such thing. I think you see too much the SyFy channel and get the bad idea from."

[Mahmoud] "No! I hate the intentional misspelling of words and brands and slogans. It is not catchy or effective." [getting irrationally angry] "No! Not catchy! It is vexing only. So I no to watch the SyFy. Just the name 'SyFy' make me wants to kill the Joooos."

[Jamaal] "So? A pleasant breeze at the sunrise make you wants to kill the Joooos."

[Mahmoud] "Yes. What is your point?"

[Jamaal] "I do not remember the point. Oh yes. There is no strange man do those things on you."

[Mahmoud] "But there is! It happened also just the last night!"

[Jamaal] "No, my friend. That was just me."

[Mahmoud, relieved] "What then of this plane? Let us go nearer."

The two herdsmen sidle near enough to almost touch the unusual craft. Eerie clicks and hissing noises emanate from it as its engine cools in the chill evening air.

[Mahmoud, cringing] "My soul is troubled by this machine. I cannot touch it or come closer. It is like being near to the Michael Moore wearing Speedo... Much evil."

[Jamaal] "But where is the cockpit? Where is the pilot?" [throws rock at screen where pilot's seat is found on traditional manned aircraft]

[Mahmoud] "Jamaal! Stop! I tell you it is evil! It is flown by a djinn! If there is no pilot, what can be other explanation?"

-----------------
(to be continued?)

Caffeine should be its own food group

2011-12-13T14:12:00.000-08:00

Alright, ordinarily I hate these things. But my ordinary (and by ordinary I mean "black as the coal miner's [ ] at midnight and thick like 90W gear lube and stronger than the stench of an #occupy encampment") coffee just ain't turnin' the crank today. I am so flippin' tired that, well, um, yeah. I'm at the point of actually downing one of these. I think it was Blaise Pascal who said "anybody who sleeps more than four hours a day is wasting his life." I think it was also Blaise Pascal who did math stuff and said a lot of things that seriously piss me off. I've done (at most) 4 hours a night consecutively starting Friday, and really, Blaise, I don't think it's helping with any part of my life. Wait... My hallucinations are becoming more vivid, so there's that...

Anyway.

Going to an OSU Beaver basketball game tonight. Haven't been there live-an-in-person since Saint Gary of the Payton was running the offense. Should be fun. But I want to be awake. When is the optimal time to chug this nasty swill? Tip-off is at 7:00pm local time. I want to time it so I'm nice and lively at the game and then, about 4 seconds after I get home, crash. Crash! Crash like a liberal taking a head-on with Reality at freeway speeds. I want to wake up in my own clothes and wonder what day it is kind of crash. But timing is crucial. Don't wanna run out of energy while I'm still driving home after the game. When should I crack the seal on this little bottle of evil?

Alms! Alms for the poor! UPDATED

2011-12-09T12:40:00.000-08:00

"Alms! Alms for the poor!"

OK, that sounds kind of desperate...

How about

"It's the all-request hour at rockin' KDUM-FM!"

Here's the deal - I haven't been able to think of anything funny for a long time. I check the sitemeter and see dwindling numbers, but also clicks from faithful readers who are no doubt thinking something like "Maybe, just maybe, innominatus has posted something that isn't totally McTarded and is actually kinda funny, which might briefly - oh, so briefly - lift my spirit out of the doldrums of misery." But I haven't. For a long time. It makes me feel like a total failure. So I'm taking requests. This is what desperation smells like.

So... If you've ever wished I'd ~~be struck in the head by a speeding meteorite~~ write about some certain topic, lemme know. If you have a story idea, lemme know. If you have a tip to something funny that I might use as a mental springboard, lemme know. If you know (in an eco-friendly way, of course) how to dispose of a shipping container full of dead hippies, lemme know.

Thanks.

**UPDATE**

Hey! When in doubt, write about PAIN!

This is a picture of the engraving table I use daily. Not my actual one, but a pic of the same model, which I jacked from some Portuguese website. Neither is that actually me. The real me has a larger, but less pointy nose. But you get the idea. Anyway, I was trying valiantly to deposit a scrap of paper in the wastebasket under the table, which was basically right between my feet. Somehow I managed to miss the wastebasket. When I bent down to retrieve the errant paper, I banged by ample forehead on the Y-Axis stepper motor. The Y-Axis stepper motor is about the same size as a Pepsi can but not as well cushioned. You'd think that daily use of this machine since May of 2000 would lead me to have a good working knowledge of where the Y-Axis stepper motor is at any given time, and that I'd use that knowledge to avoid banging my head on said motor. But you'd be wrong. So now I have a neat little knot in the middle of my forehead that looks like a swollen Hindu caste mark. I think I am now an Untouchable. Shun me accordingly.

Pearl Harbor Day

2011-12-07T10:38:00.000-08:00

I know that in this song Rush is scolding us for "going overboard" on Imperial Japan. I don't care if Rush thinks nukes were excessive. Imperial Japan was very unlike modern Japan, and if you ask me, they deserved every bomb that fell on them. Pilot of Enola Gay, riding out of the shockwave...

Don't screw with us. For if we have to, we'll invent new ways to mess you up.

Big Mo's guns keeping silent watch over Arizona's fallen.

Image from Wikipedia

Cats and dogs living together (and other odorless, colorless, flavorless filler content)

2011-11-28T15:34:00.000-08:00

Unvarnished truth escapes lips of democrat, "End of the World" prophecies hardest hit. A democrat speaking truth is a trigger event, like Ash picking up the Necronomicon without saying the magic words. Democrat truth-telling was supposed to be that supreme improbability that would cause the universe to fold inwards on itself and collapse into nothingness. The Mayans said this wouldn't happen until 2012 (in other words "after the elections"). But here it is, happening in 2011, and now the Mayans look really stupid, the universe missed its cue, and the whole cosmic calendar has been knocked totally fubar. I don't know how this will all pan out, but I'm sure no good will come of it.

----------------------

The Civil War was on ABC this weekend. Man, I hope it was just regional coverage and not national. Hate to think that the whole country might have seen that debacle. What a rotten season. 3-9 record. No bowl game. Again. Guess we can go back to being a Basketball School^tm. Again. We're 5-1 so far at hoops, with the only loss on the road against Vandy. And even that was due only to a lucky last-second shot. Hasn't been this much excitement around the b-ball program since the mid-'90s. We were (quietly) one of the winningest teams for decades, from the '40s through the '80s. Almost always ranked, almost always going to the tourney. Then Gary Payton graduated and things got sketchy for a couple seasons. Things were looking up in the mid-'90s, but then all in one off-season one kid blew out his knee, another kid dropped dead from a sudden heart condition, another kid transferred out, another sophomore kid went pro, and another kid went to prison for armed robbery - that moron called Domino's to have a pizza delivered to his own house, and then drew a gun on the delivery guy and took the pizza without paying for it. Wow. The entire starting 5 gone just like that. And we've pretty much sucked every year since. Until now. Whooo!

-----------------------

Some interesting comments in the Newt post from the other day. But I stick to my previous position: he doesn't deserve the presidency. Egads! innominatus is a closet Obamaphile! Umm, no...

Mitt Romney - Not very conservative. Flip-flops on major issues. Weird name. A mechanized automaton without the "personality chip" upgrade. RomneyCare. Doesn't deserve the presidency.
Herman Cain - Great guy. Gives an outstanding speech. But... Except for 999, can't define his policy postions worth a pthbthbth. Listening to him try is like a blind guy trying to find his own azz on a map of Tuscon using Google Street View and a telescope. Doesn't deserve the presidency. Addendum: Just saw this at Hot Air:
Rather, this appears to be an accusation of private, alleged consensual conduct between adults – a subject matter which is not a proper subject of inquiry by the media or the public. No individual, whether a private citizen, a candidate for public office or a public official, should be questioned about his or her private sexual life. The public’s right to know and the media’s right to report has boundaries and most certainly those boundaries end outside of one’s bedroom door.
Dude, if that's the best your own lawyer can say about your "long affair" then please just endorse somebody who isn't a sexweasel and then quietly go away.
Newt Gingrich - I dig the acerbic personality and the brains. But... Has a lot of baggage, and isn't that conservative. C'mon! Flamin' Denny Hastert (spit) has a more conservative voting record than Newt! Like I said before, doesn't deserve the presidency.
Michele Bachman - I like her. But... she bet the farm on Gardisil and lost. Little evidence that she can actually run anything. Deserves some credit and a promotion, but doesn't deserve the presidency.
Rick Perry - I like him and hope he rallies back into the top tier. But... He debates like a constipated goat on quaaludes. Cronyism accusations hard to shake. Probably doesn't deserve the presidency.
Ron Paul - Dead-nuts-right-on on about half the issues. But... Doublepluskooky on the other half of the issues. If we could just take the "good half" and exile the other half to the Phantom Zone, he'd be a winner. Until we master that technology, he doesn't deserve the presidency.
John Huntsman - Who?

As far as I'm concerned, none of 'em are really presidential. Sad thing? I'll gladly pull the ~~finger~~ lever for ANY of the above over the present pResident. Like Frank J. said at IMAO:

We have a bunch of bad choices for the GOP nomination. On the other hand, the Democrats have only one horrible choice.

--------------------

True story - Thought for sure I was going to end up in a fistfight. Sunday at 6:10 AM I was at my early grunt-work restaurant job, taking some trash out to the dumpster. Next thing I know, some psycho gets REALLY P*SSED and ALL UP IN MY FACE about the Chevron station next door not being open yet. When I tell him that I don't work there and can't help him, he gets all puffed up and starts giving me the "Whaddya scared of?" crap. (My only fear was that his stupid might be contagious.) So I took off (in the most manly and threatening way possible, of course) my stupid gimpy little polyethylene food-handling gloves. Clearly this intimidated the heck out of psycho-boy, as he backed off and got back in his truck while yelling f-bombs about how he had no gas to get to work.

Screwt Newt

2011-11-23T10:55:00.000-08:00

Mr. Gingrich was on his way out of my doghouse. He wasn't out of it, and probably would never be, 'cuz, well, I have a big doghouse. But he at least was taking some baby steps toward the exit.

Then

This mouthfart passed 'twixt his lips:

“The party that says it's the party of the family is going to adopt an immigration policy which destroys families who have been here a quarter century. I'm prepared to take the heat for saying, let's be humane in enforcing the law without giving them citizenship but by finding a way to create legality so that they are not separated from their families.”

Whoa.

A person who has entered our country illegally is ineligible for a SSN or other documentation that would allow them to be legally employed. Therefore, if said person is employed, then that person must be using fraudulent or stolen documents. If that person is not employed, then that person must be a bum who sponges off of others. What other possibility is there? The illegal is independently wealthy? Yeah, right.

So this fraud and/or bum of an illegal has been sneaky enough and cunning enough and treacherous enough to be able to perpetrate this ruse for 25 years. According to Newt, that makes this illegal a good candidate for permanent residence. Furthermore, let's say this illegal has elected to start a family here in spite of these very uncertain circumstances - Newt says *I* am being inhumane if I want this weasel out of my country.

Know what, Newt?

Get bent. This hypothetical illegal knew exactly what he was doing when he built his life on a big pile of shifting sand. This same hypothetical illegal willingly subjected his family to years of uncertainty and stress and potential loss. THAT is inhumane. THAT must not be rewarded.

And YOU do not deserve the presidency.

Adrenalin shot from nowhere

2011-11-22T16:05:00.000-08:00

Hey, long weekend coming up... Maybe I'll actually get to write something.

In the meantime, this vid actually shocked me. I was just browsing all the stupid vids that Ace's co-bloggers put up in the sidebar, and this appeared in YouTube's "related videos" of the "puppies attack cat" clip. Dude. I had to get up and walk around for a second before I could go back to work.

Right then and there, Bambi would've been an orphan if it were up to me. Holy crap! I was ready to crawl through the screen and break that [bleep]ing deer's neck. And that was even before I read the follow-up story. Next one of those a-holes jumps out in front of my car? Ain't swervin'. Gonna mash the gas and launch that bastage into the next county. To any hunters who haven't filled their tags yet: I wish you Very Good Luck the rest of this season and a freezer full of yummy, yummy Dead A-hole.

And I don't even drink!

2011-11-18T18:18:00.000-08:00

I gotta serious case of flask envy going on, and I don't even drink! As an engraver, personalizing a hip flask for a customer is pretty common. Usually they are groomsman's gifts, other times it is an overzealous frat boy or the like. Most of them are 5 to 8 ounces. This one is 64! Half a flamin' gallon! Never seen anything like it. And I shudder to think what kind of hip it is intended to accompany...

[fighting temptation to link a pic of MichelleO]

[fighting temptation to link pic of Debbie Whatshername Schultz]

[temptations overcome. narrowly... (unlike their hips) ]

Science Geeks Rule!

2011-11-09T13:55:00.000-08:00

Linus Pauling at age 17. Pic from the Linus Pauling Centenary at OSU

Alternate post title: "Possibly the coolest thing this engraver has ever worked on"

So a guy is cleaning out some space in a building at OSU. He stumbles across a handwritten letter that reads:

Corvallis - Saturday 16 Jan. 1982

The old Chem. B'ld'g was unlocked. I sat and stood for half an hour in the room on the second floor where I first saw my sweet love, 60 years ago today, less two days. I stood at the front of the room and repeated my first words: "Will you please tell me what you know about ammonium hydroxide, Miss..." (I then looked at my class book and selected one of the 25 names at random) "...Miller?" Ava Helen Miller made a good answer. This chance meeting has determined the nature of my life.

Linus Pauling

Pretty cool, eh? I'm in the middle of turning that note into a permanent plaque that'll be displayed somewhere on campus. Pauling may have had some lefty tendencies, but none can argue his genius. And this is a pretty slick way for a geek to break the ice with the ladies!

Apologies are in order

2011-11-07T12:27:00.000-08:00

Dear citizens, travelers, longshoreman, and other inhabitants of Mos Eisley Spaceport:

In 1977, I famously said of you

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

OK, that's over 35 years ago. You'd think things would be forgotten. But this is the Age of the Internet, where every stupid action and every dumb deed is Forever. Words come back to haunt you like a bad bowl of borscht. Truth is, I can now go to #occupy_[anyplace] and encounter far more wretchedness, more hives, more scumminess, and certainly more villainy as well.

Long and short of it, I should not have used the word "never" in that quote. As a Jedi, it is my duty to live an honest and forthright life. So I apologize and beg your forgiveness for grossly overstating your wretchedness. (Except you, Greedo. You're still a buttstain). And please don't lawyer-up and come after me for slander or libel or any of that crap. I am an itinerant hero - nearly penniless. And my 401k has gotten, like, really raped the last couple years. So, please, please, accept this most heartfelt apology.

Sincerely,

Obi-Wan ("Ben") Kenobi

cc: NYT Editorial Board; Law Offices of Crook and Bender, LLC

PS - Hey Darth, instead of zapping Alderaan, how 'bout we thumbwrestle? If I win, you zap Zuccotti Park instead. Text me and let me know, K?

Heh. I feel a strange disturbance in the force - like millions of hippies, suddenly incinerated. Along with a lot of body lice and a couple of rats.

Barry miserable summit

2011-11-06T16:48:00.000-08:00

The pResident and various heads-of-state are in Cannes (pronounced "KHAAAAAN!") in the south of France for the G20 Summit. After another day of futile discussions, the leaders are having a formal dinner. A waitress brings the first course.

[Waitress] "Here is ze special French deenair for ze special guests"

[Obama, to waitress] "Mercy bo-coo-coo-ka-choop"

[Sarkozy laughs]

[Merkel glares, disapprovingly]

[Obama] "C'mon, Angie! That was funny!"

[Merkel] "I am German. I do not laugh."

[Obama] "You remind me of Angela Landsbury. Are you two related?"

[Merkel, facepalm]

[French PM Sarkozy] "Meestair pResidahnt Obama, ze central banks of Europe are unable to cope with ze masseeve Greek debt probe-lems. Unless ze Americans help, ze Euro is soon no more."

[Omaba] "Sarko, my people don't have much appetite for more debt. We might be able to help with Greece, but after that, I doubt it. We may be the world's largest economy, but we can't bail out Spain or Italy, or for that matter, France."

[Sarkozee] "Oui, oui, you always remind us." [eyeroll] "You have ze beeggest economee, ze beeggest militaree, ze beeggest zis and ze beeggest zat. And I remind you, vouz also have ze beeggest spouse. Her butt-tocks are unnaturally beeg. My wife is soopairmodell, while yours... how to say in English..." [pensive pause] "...it is like your wife's face is on fyair, and a strong man come to exteenguish ze flames, using only a wet crowbar."

[Merkel busts out laughing]

[Obama] "Ha ha. Ang? I thought you didn't laugh."

[Merkel] "Nien. But, that was funny."

The waitress arrives with the next course of the meal.

[Obama, nodding in thanks to waittress] "Donkeyshown"

[Waitress, faux German accent] "Bitter"

[Obama, rapidly] "Clinger"

[Waitress, rapidly] "Radar O'Reilly"

[Obama, rapidly] "Colonel Potter"

[Waitress, rapidly] "Harry Potter"

[Obama, rapidly] "Occupy Wall Street"

[Waitress, rapidly] "What? I said 'Harry Potter' not 'hairy pooter' "

[Obama] "Sorry, your accent kinda got me on that one."

[Waitress, indignantly] "Meestair pResidahnt, you are in Frahnce. Vouz are the one with ze accent."

[Obama, dumbfounded stare]

[Merkel] "It is evident that these discussions are going nowhere."

Some days later, back in DC

[MichelleO] "How'd the big G20 summit go?"

[Obama] "Terrible. The whole global economy is going to explode in my face right before election time."

[MichelleO] "I've been wanting to talk to you about that. Are you really sure you even want to run again? I'd be totally OK with you just serving one term."

[Obama] "Yeah, me pretending to be hetero- all this time has been pretty hard on both of us. Dunno if I can do it for another four years."

[MichelleO] "Me either."

Time for another one of those posts

2011-11-03T16:14:00.000-07:00

I am become Boredom, Destroyer of Blogs.

----------------------------------------------------

Lessee here... Cain may or may not have said and/or done something that may or may not have risen to the level of S.H. but it is all anybody wants to talk about. Bleh.

----------------------------------------------------

Do you know what I hate? Lemme tell ya...

I hate when I find a cool blog and they immediately go on a posting hiatus right after I discover them.
I hate it when I'm reading one of the "big blogs" and I come up with an Extremely Funny Comment but it as after the thread is pretty much dead so nobody ever sees it.
I hate it when I'm at somebody's house and they're really into a TV show they have on their DVR and they're trying to FF through the commercials, but one of the commercials is a commercial for the show they're watching. They see their beloved characters on so they stop FF'ing only to realize they've been duped and there's still an ad for Subway and an ad for a mattress sale to sit through.
I hate it when the unnamed person above does that over and over at every commercial break.

-----------------------------------------

Teacher: Bobby, what did you do this weekend?

Bobby: I found a dead cat.

Teacher: Really? How did you know it was dead?

Bobby: I pissed in its ear and it didn't even move!

Teacher: You did what?!

Bobby: Yeah, I leaned over close to it and went "Pssst!!" right in its ear and it didn't even flinch.

Go outside and play

2011-10-27T11:57:00.000-07:00

Ever read Big Hairy News? Consistently funny and good photochops. Until I think of something decent to post here, you should go check out his stuff. I haven't been there so much lately, but today I was glad I did. Seems like me 'n Scooter have been on pretty much the same wavelength.

Found Footage: OWS

2011-10-25T12:04:00.000-07:00

Below the fold is a transcript of an Occutard's iPhone video diary. Like everything else about OWS, it is vile and offensive and those with delicate sensibilities should consider not reading it.

Day 1
I just arrived at the occupation after a long train ride from Bakersfield. There isn't much of an OccupyBakersfield - just a couple guys on Harleys drinking beer. Which really isn't any different from any other day in Bakersfield. So I took the train up here. And let me tell you, dude, it is awesome! Communists and anarchists all together living in perfect harmony! This is what the future looks like, man!

Day 2
Dude, stickin' it to The Man is so gnarly. I love it here, man. I've been up-twinkling so much I seriously blew out my rotator cuff. It was Nathan's turn to man the first aid tent. He says he needs a few more credits before he's officially a witchdoctor so for now I guess he's more of a witchnurse. He offered me some free-range clover honey and a blunt. I told him "No way, man, that's exploiting the bees! It's just like the corporatists exploiting us! Don't be what we're trying to protest, dude!" so he said "Dude, it's either the honey and blunt or these awful man-made Oxycontin from the corporate death merchants at Big Pharma." So I said "Dude, can't I have both?" Me 'n Nathan are real tight now, man. Like real brothers.

With my right arm in a sling, I've had to learn how to light my official Pete Seeger Protest Zippo with my left hand. It was pretty hard at first, especially because of the carpal-tunnel brace. But I'm getting a lot better at it now. I can hold my bong between my knees and burn the bowl with my left hand and hardly ever spill any on myself now.

Day 3
First down-twinkles. Yeah, the weather it get really f***ing cold overnight. Down-twinkle to ****ing frost and ****ing cold and all that ****. But Stalin's soldiers had to endure harsh cold when defending the Motherland from the Republicans. So I, too, like a good soldier, will endure. Thankfully mom let me borrow her expensive Gore-Tex/Thinsulate sleeping bag.

But it was pretty nice during the day. The macramé seminar was really productive. So, like, up-twinkles to macramé. Except for when I accidentally wove my kilt to the park bench and got stuck for a while. That was kinda embarrassing. Down-twinkles to that ****. And the ****ing drummers are getting annoying.

Day 4

It was really cold last night. After the Advanced Macramé seminar I headed for my tent, only to find that my sleeping bag had been redistributed. And my iPad. Selfish ****ers. I was freezing, so I went and got a beanbag-sized wad of macramé twine and kind of rolled myself up in it. I was still cold when this hairy-legged chick named Wendina joined me and it got better. (She was cute and all, but WTF kind of name is Wendina?) Up-twinkles to co-bedding with hairy-legged chicks! Unfortunately Wendina got sick in the middle of the night. Totally ruined my/our beanbag twine-bed thing. So I spent the rest of the night just kind of pacing around.

Day 5

OK, I'm ready to kill the m*********** on the bongo. I didn't get much sleep last night and this fool won't stop for anything. And how the **** can a ********* bongo be out of tune? ****! And I don't know where I'll sleep tonight. The sickness thing is pretty widespread. Tainted succotash. I guess the solar oven doesn't get hot enough when it's overcast outside or something. So now lots of people have, like, the dysentery and ****. Down-twinkles all around, man.

Day 6

Looks like I got the tainted succotash thing, too. My **** looks like rainbow gummi worms. You might ask how I'd know that, but let's just say it contrasted nicely against the white fender of the cop car.

Wait a sec... Getting a text from my mom. She just saw news coverage of me ****ing on the cop car. She's pissed. She said she's gonna call Verizon and have my phone shut off. ****ing corporatist plutocrat b****! I'll show her! ****! She already shut off my phone! ****!!

Day 7

Another frosty night. Down-twinkles. I was hanging out by the kitchen tent 'cuz that's warmer than anywhere else. A guy named Percy and a guy named Ramon came up and said they had extra blankets in their tent if I wanted to crash there. Yeah, dude! But then when I got there, they assaulted me and raped me. Ramon said "Don't think of it as rape, man. Think of it more as, like, a**-twinkles!" Ha ha. When I called 911 the operator said cops weren't even entering the occupation. So I walked out towards the periphery and found a couple cops. I said I can't call my mom 'cuz of my phone and I need a ride home. Cop said no. I said "But man, you're union! We're like brothers, man! Dude, help a brother out!" And the cop said "Union brotherhood ends where skin disease starts. I ain't letting your mangy frame into my patrol car." And I said "Technically, it's scabies. Not mange. Different kind of mite." But that ****ing pig didn't care at all.

Day 8

I need to get the **** outta this ****hole. I have no money and no phone. They took my iPad. My only communication is the "Peoples' Laptop." It says "486" on the cover but it has a dead battery. So I have to pedal the ******* generator just to run the laptop. Know how hard it is to pedal the generator and type at the same time? With one arm in a sling? Then it finally boots to some **** called 'linux' or whatever the **** you call it. ****! WTF is a 'command line'? ****! I just need to send my mom an email and get me outta here! Why is it so ******* difficult? Where is the ******* email icon??!? DOWN TWINKLES!! DOWN TWINKLES!!

/end transcript

I've seen this movie...

2011-10-19T13:18:00.000-07:00

OK, I caught some grief for not having seen Iron Man. But I have seen the flick about the infected monkey and the resulting death, chaos and mayhem. (Call me weird, but I think Dustin Hoffman looked really hot in that plastic hazmat suit.)

Real life imitating Hollywood:

Animal advocates said they are okay that deputies issued a "shoot to kill" order when about 56 exotic animals escaped from a private Ohio zoo. A gray wolf and monkey (possibly infected with herpes B)...

I'm not sure why we even tolerate the existence of monkeys. All they do is fling poo and spread The Herp. We shouldn't be waiting around for a suicidal zookeeper to let his monkey loose. We should be shooting monkeys wherever we find them. Letting disease-ridden critters live long enough to escape is just the kind of monkeybusiness that leads to Martial Law. The kind of Martial Law where guys in plastic suits search our stuff for disease-vector "Patient Zero" monkeys. It is time to take a stand!!!

P.S. The recent outbreak of Herp-B at #OccupyCleveland may or may not be related...

Barry bad polling numbers

2011-10-18T13:27:00.000-07:00

Seriously, Bams - this is important!

[Axelrod] "Where's Bams?"

[Jarrett] "In the other room golfing with his Wii"

[Obama, in the distance] "Whee!"

[Axelrod, hushed tones] "OK then. Have you all been following the poll numbers?"

[Biden] "I usually use a 5-weight pole, but some people suggest a lower number for the kind of streams I like to fish in. I like the barbless hooks, too. They don't hurt my fingers as much."

[Axelrod] "Joe, Joe. Just shut up. I mean Bams' numbers are awful. We need to have an, an... intervention. We need to sit him down in here and make it clear that he's in deep trouble."

[Jarrett] "Try all you want, but he'll never believe you."

[Axelrod] "I know. But maybe he'll believe... us."

[Daley] "It's going to be hard."

[Axelrod] "But we have to at least try. We can't sit back and let the entire movement be derailed by his failures."

[Jarrett] "Alright. I'll call him in."

Valerie returns with the pResident.

[Obama, upbeat] "Hoo-wee! Can't wait to get back out there on my bus tour and embarrass the Republicans with the awesomeness of my Jobs Bill!"

[Axelrod] "Sir, I don't recommend that. The people hate your jobs bill. They're sick of Green Jobs and Green Shoots and Green with Envy towards the rich."

[Obama] "But...???"

[Axelrod] "Hey, don't misunderstand! I'm not against any of these things!"

[Biden, Daley, Jarrett] "Neither are we!"

[Obama] "Then what's the problem?"

[Axelrod] "The people. They're stupid. They're not buying it."

[Obama] "Whaddwe need the people for, anyway?"

[Axelrod] "They're going to vote for a Republican if we don't get things straightened out!"

[Obama] "As if. They'll never vote for a Republican as long as I am the alternative. I am The One. I am Special."

[Axelrod] "They haven't yet built a short bus short enough to transport your kind of special."

[Biden] "I've done a lot of seat-time in the short bus, myself!"

[Obama, to Axelrod] "How dare you!"

[Axelrod] "Da**it! The people are sick of the high-rollin' too-cool-for-you kind of politics. That's what the #OWS people are upset about. It's what everybody is upset about. Trying to win on account of being cool this election cycle is like whizzing into a strong headwind. It'll fail miserably. It's why Cain is ahead of you in the latest poll! He seems like Joe Ordinary and people are liking it."

[Biden] "Cain? Don't be ridiculous. America is a bunch of racists. They'll never vote for a black guy!"

[All turn and stare at Joe for 1.33 seconds and then facepalm]

[Obama] "So, let's assume you're correct. Even though we know you're not. What would be the next step?"

[Axelrod] "You have to relate better to the ordinary American. Like how Bubba Clinton did with that 'I feel yer pain' schtick. You have to get down to their level. You have to make this sacrifice in order to win another term and complete the transformation of America."

[Obama, downtwinkles gesture] "Ick. Ick. Ick. Mingling with the proles - how distasteful. Next you'll be telling me I have to quit golfing and eating wagyu beef."

[Axelrod] "At least cut back. And maybe take up a more blue-collar pastime like, I dunno, bowling. Oh, wait..."

[Obama, petulant] "No! America will accept me the way I am. If I am too good for them, well, their loss!"

[Axelrod] "If you try to 'stay the course' of your failures, we, and all the progressive movement, will be in deep crapioca. It could lead to decades of conservative stewardship of this nation. Maybe even widespread prosperity and a new embrace of capitalism and self-reliance."

[Obama, arms crossed defiantly] "I. Don't. Care."

[Biden] "Mmmm... Crapioca!"

[Jarrett, under her breath] "I knew this would happen. We're screwed."

Meanwhile, far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore....

[Casey] "Romney is a RiNO licksphincter, Perry is shooting himself in the foot and then reloading and doing it again, and Cain has his foot in his mouth like it is a slice of pizza."

[all others, in agreement] "We need an intervention...."

So tired I can barely think so I'll just link a bunch of YouTube junk

2011-10-17T13:08:00.000-07:00

My daughter-in-law is staying with us for a while. She's been using my computer a lot. Which is fine. Except for NOT LOGGING ME OUT of YouTube before she watched a *bunch* of stupid stuff that is now appearing all over my "channels you might like" section. So if you're looking over my shoulder at stuff I look at on YouTube, you might think I'm a moron. While that may be technically true, the YouTube junk is not valid evidence against me.
--------------------
On days (like today) that I can barely stay awake, I watch this vid. It'll usually give me enough of a boost to keep the eyes open for a half hour or so.

I'm not into Evanescence, but the song works for this vid. And even stupid French-made delta-wingers look cool when they're rockin' through the Alps. Ve haff an excellent Air Force ve promise nefer to use because ve are fiercely neutral, ja!
------------------
I saw this one on a friend of a friend's Facebook. Note: I hate Facebook, but my wife uses it and she brought this to my attention.

Judging from the number of views it has, I must be the last person on earth to know about this.
------------------------------
Serious question: If Cain is our nominee, won't that tend to suppress the black vote? Maybe suppress isn't the right word. Dunno. But there's nothing historic about voting for pResident Obeyme a second time. Nor much other reason to be excited about him. Yet the majority of black vote usually goes to the dem. So I can see a lot of people saying to themselves "Either way, we have a black man in office... Obama isn't all that great, and I don't really want to vote for Cain, so I think I'll just stay home this time." Down-ticket races could end up being a slaughter. In a good way, of course.
----------------------------
I'm in the middle of a whoppin' engraving project. It's gonna take about 20 hours just of machine time. Then and only then do I actually get around to the hands-on fiddling around. Which means this would be a great time to be writing funny stuff. If only I could think of some...
----------------------------
I'm a total sucker for this kind of buh-dadada-buh march beat.

Nugent's Stranglehold has it as well during some of the song. Am I missing any others?
----------------------------
In the previous thread, A Pissed Off Irishman noted the anti-Semitic vibe to the OWS protests. This one is long and has some graphic scenes of the Holocaust. But it totally shreds the pro-life argument while illustrating ongoing anti-Semitism. Makes this one seem rather timely.

If ya don't have time to watch it right now, bookmark it and come back when you can.

Never seen the Iron Man movies

2011-10-14T21:06:00.000-07:00

Nor read the comic books. So I don't really know what it's all about. But this pic I ran into is awesome.

I have great close-up eyesight, but I can't read it either, so click on it.

Also, I have no clue of the creator but I'd like to give credit and a link. So, if you happen to know...

Useless Useful Idiots

2011-10-13T15:46:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder why the #OWS screechmonkeys can't seem to come up with a coherent platform or vision? Is it because of inherent contradictions in their worldview? Is it all the disparate groups all muddled under one too-big-of-a-tent?

No. It is because of the Moonbat Rules of Polite Debate and Discourse, Vol. 2, Revised, which I dutifully present to you:

Chain of Hat Tips goes like this: Ace, Weasel Zippers, BreitbartTV, moron with camera

No wonder they accomplish nothing. However, they do provide blog fodder for those days when nothing else is worth writing about. Lars Larson made an impromptu visit to these cretins today during his radio show. He had to do it wirelessly since Portland wouldn't let him lay down any wiring. Unfortunately, as soon as he turned on his Verizon MiFi, the poor downtrodden fleabags overwhelmed his bandwidth with all their Proletariat iPhones and Oppressed Workers' MacBook Airs making the broadcast too choppy to continue.

Down the road in Eugene, (pronounced "M-O-S-C-O-W") some protohumans torched an SUV which had first been graffiti'd with various contradictory slogans and slams on Eugene mayor (and High Mistress of All Moonbats) Kitty Pearcy. What sense that is supposed to make, I dunno. That they've resorted to burning cars a-la the "youth" of Paris doesn't surprise me as much as the idea of them actually mastering fire. I thought that was beyond them. Especially here in the damp northwest. It could signify one of those "apes whacking each other with femurs in that 2001 movie" kind of quantum leaps that make the hippies actually dangerous. Or, it could mean one of 'em was lighting up his sneak-a-toke in the SUV and had a little problem. I think the odds are pretty even either way.

Midweek Miscellaneous Musings

2011-10-12T14:54:00.000-07:00

Nicaraguan Backhoe

Guatemalan Socket Set

Mexican Airbrush

American pResident

-------------------------------------------

The "Occupy [insert town here]" people aren't very scary. But still, you should be on your toes around them. 'Cuz there's a lot of their poo on the ground.

-------------------------------------------

So Iran tried to arrange a hit on the Saudi and Israeli ambassadors. And our response is... wait for it... More sanctions. What? We're still holding sanction cards we haven't played yet? Iran has been building nukes, threatening their neighbors, funding the Hezbos, stirring up the Shiite insurgency in Iraq (which got a bunch of our troops DEAD), ridin' around on motorcycles killin' their own people, yadda yadda. And we haven't hit 'em with every single stinkin' sanction imaginable? How much must a country misbehave before we go "all in" on sanctions?

------------------------------------------

Or maybe barry is just a lot more bothered about Saudi diplomats dying than our own troops....

-----------------------------------------

Over at Proof's place the other day, I learned that a longhaired maggot-infested FM-type Occupy San Diego protester fell/jumped/was pushed to his death. In the comments there, Smitty said:

#OccupyGravity

Heh. Or should I say HEH!

-----------------------------------------

Creepy in more ways than one

2011-10-10T15:23:00.000-07:00

Heh. I was just over at Randy's gettin' ready to drop a comment when I noticed the word verification. Dude. When SkyNet becomes self-aware, it'll have a "Powered by Google" sticker on it.

Daily Dose of Stupid

2011-10-07T15:38:00.000-07:00

Seems like the little shin-dig they be havin' on Wall Street is contagious, and the morons in Portland wanna play, too. Great. Here's a taste:

Since I'm in a college town not far away, I live among and have to deal with his sort all the time. Bad enough when they are American idiots. Bringing in foreign morons is taking things too far. With his bloo'y wankah accent, I can't catch everything he's saying. So maybe I'm wrong when he holds up a little jar of drugs and talks about smoking it. OK, Limey. You've been hoodwinked. If you think that is good stuff worth YouTubing, you're really lame. Weed should be green and fuzzy and kinda sticky and should smell like a skunk mating with a freshly-cut Christmas Tree. (I haven't touched the stuff since '94, but I remember a few things. I haven't *always* been a Model Citizen^TM.) It should NOT look like garlic powder. Go find the punk who sold you that junk and ~~beat the crap out of~~ have some thoughtful non-violent dialog with him about his crappy weed.

The one in the lower-right corner can occupy most of Portland
all by herself.

These are the people whining about lack of opportunity because Corporate America is such a downer. Well, whiner, to Corporate America, your appearance is a downer. Maybe if it didn't look like you've been shot in the face with a hardware store, and maybe if you took those stupid tribal wooden thingies out of your earlobes, you could get a job. But I won't hold my breath for that to happen. Even though I'd like to, as your smell is unpleasant. Hate to burst your bubble even further, but Urban Outfitters is a corporation. Complete with like a Corporate Headquarters and Guys in Suits and all that. I'll wait while you process that little tidbit...

OK? Good.

These are also the same people who have "Keep Portland Weird!" stickers on the backs of their Subarus. Kids, Portland doesn't need your help. The fruitwads in City Hall have the weird all locked down and going nowhere. The latest? MANDATORY composting! Yep, ya can't throw away your food waste. Can't toss the fuzzloaf that has been in the back of the 'fridge since '06. It has to go in the Yard Debris recycle bin now. Wait. What if you're an apartment dweller and don't have a Yard Debris bin? You get a shiny new plastic bucket from the City of Portland to put your organic arugula scraps in! Yay! And since you have this bucket, the City has decided that they don't need to pick up your garbage every week, but instead will only come every other week! Double-Yay! Your plankton/tofu nutloaf leftovers get to sit in a bucket for two weeks! Won't fit in your fridge? No problem! Just put it outside to attract disease-carrying vermin and freegans. (sorry 'bout the redundancy) What if you're an apartment dweller with no real 'outside'? Umm, tough crap, amigo! Put it out in the hallway next to your loud neighbor's door and hope for the best!

Everything about these longhaired maggot-infested FM types makes me want to hurl. But I'm on an empty stomach. So I guess I'll douse a Spotted Owl in napalm and use him to light a pile of old tires on fire, over which I'll sacrifice a barrel of crude oil to Exxon/Mobil while checking my stock ticker.

Thank heavens these guys are On The Job

2011-10-04T09:28:00.000-07:00

This is artwork I just received that is to go on an award the City of ********* is giving itself. I, for one, will sleep that much better knowing that these guys are ready to step up in the event of an earthquake, volcanic eruption, or spilled cappuccino.

If you stupid teabagger wingnuts would just allow yourselves to be taxed higher, maybe they could afford to buy a vowel. Shame on the whole lot of you.

The funniest thing you ever saw

2011-09-30T17:20:00.000-07:00

The funniest thing you ever saw? No, not this post. Erm, not even close. I mean, what is the funniest thing you ever witnessed with your own two eyes? No TV episodes or whatever. Like, only things that happened right there in front of you. I ask, because I've had nothing but a steaming serving of hectic on my plate ever since school started back up. And hectic isn't even a noun. I'm frazzled and snappy and generally in no mood to blog lately. So, I'm hoping that some of ya can share some truly funny things that'll make me stop wanting to blow up the entire universe.

I'll start. I'll hit ya with the two funniest things I've ever seen. They're tied for #1.

First of all, there is a nice city park about a block from where I work. Back in the olden days when I had some time, I'd go there and chill during my lunch hour. One time in the park there was a little girl, probably about 5, who had a goat. On a leash. Yes, a goat on a leash. The goat was small, so it was either young or some kind of pygmy breed. Anyway, she was trying to walk the goat. Goat was having none of it. Little girl was yanking on the leash and yelling "C'mon! Walk! C'mon! You're making me mad!" and stuff like that. But the goat just leaned back and resisted her every tug. This went on for some minutes and was quite hilarious in itself. But then the goat ran out of patience. It put its head down and rammed the little girl right in the chest and knocked her totally kaflooey. Into a mud puddle. Ha! I would be world famous if I had put that on YouTube but there was no YouTube at the time so now I'm even more angry. My best shot at fame and fortune ruined by non-existence of YouTube. Grrr.

The other event was more recent. I was sitting in the car while my wife went inside the 7-11. Out comes a tall, lanky college kid with a case of cheap 40 ouncers. He stepped onto his skateboard with one foot. He lifted the case of bad barley up above his shoulder, with his hand below. Like how a waiter brings a big tray of food. He steadied himself. He adjusted the case of beer. He steadied himself some more. He pushed off with his other foot to begin skating. He made it about 18" before his wheels hit the seam in the concrete sidewalk and FACEPLANT! Eff-bombs aplenty! Suds on the sidewalk! He inspected the case and found about half were broken. Then he really started rattling off eff-bombs. Sounded like an auctioneer on amphetamines. Complete with the dejected fist-waving air-punches of raw anger. I could not stifle my laughter. He gave me the stinkeye but I didn't care. It was awesome. YouTube existed at that time. I could have been famous and had millions of views. But I didn't have a camera with me and I probably wouldn't have thought to record the event anyway. Fame continues to elude me.

By now you've probably noticed that all the things I enjoy most are based on another person's misery. I'm not sure what that says about me. Nothing good, no doubt. But I don't care. They were funny events. Ha!

Your turn.

**UPDATE:

This is working pretty well. Good stuff in the comments. Already, I feel a little less like blowing up the universe. Six's comment reminds me of another story. But I didn't see it first hand. Fortunately (unfortunately?) it happened to a former co-worker...

Back in '96 we had our "hundred year flood." It was pretty crazy. We all decided to end the workday early and head home before we got stranded, 'cuz the authorities were talking about closing some bridges. One guy lived out in the country south of town, which is all just really level farm and pasture land. Basically, it looked like one giant lake and it wasn't real clear where the roadway was. He was carefully heading south, but the water was getting deeper and he started to worry that even in his lifted Toyota 4x4 truck he might stall out. So he tried to flip a U-turn. As I mentioned, it was REAL HARD to know where the road was. He got a little off and the truck went down the shoulder into deeper water and stalled out. So there he was, sitting in his dead truck, not knowing what to do, when a Benton County Sheriff Deputy rolls up. He explained what happened and the deputy laid into him rudely "How stupid does a guy have to be to drive right off the road? I can't believe this. People as dumb as you shouldn't even have a license!" Etc, etc. "Now I can't continue my patrol because I've got a brainless dumbass blocking the road in his stalled-out truck." So the deputy tried to flip a u-turn and head back toward town. Deputy got a little off and his Crown Vic went down the shoulder into deeper water and stalled out. A few days later when things were dried out enough to come back to work, co-worker reported that "the cost of calling a tow truck was worth it just for the laughs I got when that sheriff stalled in the water!!"

If you could read their minds

2011-09-21T12:05:00.000-07:00

Click-biggifying possible, even allowable, but not recommended

Whaddya think they're thinking? Well, lemme tell ya!

1. Yes, I REALLY AM that happy to be here
2. Do not be alarmed by my resemblance to Tony Blair
3. Zere are many tinks in this room that I vould like to burn. Dat incloods peoples.
4. Wunner if m' treestand will support my lardy self for one more season.
5. Let's win one for the Gipper!
6. Hey, Gipper! Hands to yourself!
7. My testicle itches
8. And mom said my degree in International Jute Fiber Marketing would never get me anywhere. Ha!
9. If the Secret Service weren't here, I'd smack him right in the back of that ugly head!
10. Someday I hope to land a role as a compassionate judge in a courtroom drama series on the Lifetime Network
11. Thinking about blowing up Kaffir makes me smile
12. I am better at Wii Sports than anyone in this room
13. I'm half the man I used to be
14. I'm only here to make Barry's ears look normal
15. Eww! Why does his hand smell like lutefisk?
16. Chickens! Comin' home, to roost!
17. Can you believe I was able to sneak in here?
18. Whoa! Should not have done a nitrate popper just before the photo shoot!
19. If I don't get at least $5000/month in alimony, I'm hiring a hit man to take out my ex.
20. ???????????
21. But they said there would be table tennis!
22. I think I am the only normal person here
23. Hi! I'm Hugo Chavez and I lost 90 lbs using Nutrisystem!
24. No, I saw you take brand new slurpee cup. You no get refill price.
25. Darn. If I'd known I'd be in the front row I'd have worn decent slacks.
26. Wommyn of the world, unite! Subvert the Patriarchy!
27. I hope this is just a fart... Dang! It was not just a fart.

It finally happened..

2011-09-20T12:59:00.000-07:00

It finally happened... That event that proves I am old. Old and losing it...

OK. Back in July my daily driver crapped out. Yeah, I blogged all about it so I won't re-hash the whole ordeal. In its place I bought a modern (boring) 4-door family sedan. Major brand, popular model, yadda yadda. Metallic Gold paint. I see duplicates of my car everywhere. I'm not complaining - it is the nicest car I've owned. Not the coolest by a long shot, but the nicest.

So a few minutes ago, I'm coming out of the bank lobby... My peabrain is pre-occupied with trying to figure out how far that money I just deposited is going to go... I grab the door handle and start to get in the car. My brain silently says "what is all that crap doing in my back seat?" just as my rump is about to land on the upholstery. Note - the brain didn't say "oh crap! this ain't yer car!" but it should have.

I hastily de-carred, shut the door, and scampered over to MY car, which was one row over.

Ooops.

I used to think I officially became old when music from high school started playing on the oldies station. Nah. That was just middle age. Now I am officially old.

Sunday Morning Quarterback in the Evening

2011-09-18T21:53:00.000-07:00

I don't feel tardy

Greetings footbaw fans. Andy has entrusted me with SMQ this week. That's kinda like givin' your teenager a fifth of booze and keys to riding mower - it'll probably be a bad end. But, anyway.

Speaking of bad end, my Beavers had a bye this week. Which makes it the third week in a row that they haven't shown up. Lost at home to bunch of middle-schoolers in week 1, then got shut out by Wisconsin in week 2. Sure, Wisconsin was ranked. But they're Big-10. So it wasn't like ranked-ranked. My Beavs take on now-U-C-L-A-now-you-don't next week.

If the Beavs start conference play with a win, I'll go back to normal....

Otherwise, I'm stuck being an LSU fan for a while. ELL! ESS! YOOOO!

As a recent convert to LSUism, let's recap the season so far:
Week 1. LSU Tigers 'gainst the Oregon Ducks. Last season, the Ducks put up 40+ points and 500+ yards on just about everybody. But against LSU's defense, the Ducks looked like a palsy-stricken monkey running with scissors. Ugly but comical.

Tigers ate 'em up like it was Foie Gras night at
Cajun Carl's Mobile Snack Shack.

Week 2: LSU beats up the Northwest Louisiana Fly-tying Academy.
Week 3: LSU beats up Mississippi State. No doubt some sportswriters are voting LSU to be #1 in the upcoming polls. Not enough to unseat the other guys, but still...

Speaking of the other guys

Ohio State played Miami of Flarda. It might appear to be a non-consequential non-conference non-game, but the winner gets 50% off at their next bail hearing. So there was a lot on the line. 'Canes win. Drug dealers throughout the land rejoiced much. These are two teams I really can't stand. Too bad a giant mechanical manta ray from outer space didn't come down and just devour both teams. I guess the giant mechanical manta ray from outer space has better taste than that or something.

#1 Oklahoma beat #5 FSU. Not sure who thought the 'Noles were all that. But they're a Florida school so they'll probably still be in the top 10 next week. Gack.

#2 Alabama whooped on North Texas. They should lose a spot in the rankings for only beating them by 41.

#4 Boise State, looking less Smurfy this season, beat Rutgers. Or was it Inner Memphis Community College. Wait, I think it was Toledo. Maybe it really doesn't matter.

#6 Stanford beat Arizona. Stanford is for real. They have a reputation for being the West Coast version of an Ivy Leaguer, but they're fer reals. NFL teams are already losing on purpose to get a chance at drafting Andrew Luck.

#9 Texas A&M tried to show the SEC "Hey, we belong!" by squishing the Idaho Vandals. Hey, guys. Know what? It didn't help.

Norte Dame beat #15 Michigan State. Please, please, don't let ND start to be good again.

#19 Baylor (wait! did I just say that?) was slaughtering some screwball school from Austin. When you're getting killed by Baylor by 49 points and then the game is called on account of lightning, it is proof that God doesn't like you. Find another way to spend your Saturday afternoons.

Vanderbilt is 3-0. I think this means that the Mayans were right about the world coming to an end in 2012.

For a Big-10 team, I don't mind Iowa too much. Prolly 'cuz they remind me of my Steelers. Who also won today.

Georgia beat Coast Carolina by 59. But Coast Carolina shut 'em out in the 4th quarter. Tells me that the Bulldawgs just don't know how to finish off an opponent.

Sunshine and Chance are still Beaver fans. And that's a wrap!

A man of my word and SMQ preview

2011-09-17T20:55:00.000-07:00

Many of you also read Andy's Place. So many of ya already know of the little deal I made with Andy: that if his LSU Tigers beat the detestable ducks in week 1, I would don the fabled LSU chickenhat and post pixelated proof to all the world. Well, that's exactly what happened. Below are the pictures. Obligatory FDA notice: viewing these is not recommended for people with high cholesterol, compromised immune systems, or incontinence problems...


Lookee me! I'm a tough gangsta just like all those SEC kiddies and if you look close you can see where my chimichanga exploded on my shirt

OK. That was fun. For a second or two... Now what?

Oh, yeah! Me gots idea!

Death to ducks! Death to all things ducklike!!!!
(Unfortunately, this camera angle doesn't capture the full
intensity of my duckdeath scowl)

Andy also ~~guilt-tripped~~ asked my nicely to take over Sunday Morning Quarterback chores this week. I've agreed. Good Lord willin' and the Earth don't warm, that'll be up tomorrow. Yes, I've saved a couple chickenpix for that glorious event. In the meantime, I wanna know what are your thoughts on all this conference realignment stuff going on. The way I see it, the Big 12 was the first attempt at making a Super Conference. We see how that's working out...

Now the Texas fAggies want into the SEC. And the Oklahoma schools are actually yappin' 'bout joining the Pac-12. Ugh. When the Arizona schools joined in 1978, one could argue that they were kinda Pacificky enough to qualify, 'cuz to the west there was only a couple hundred miles of ~~Mexico~~ Southern California between them and the beach. And to the south there was only a couple hundred miles of Mexico between them and the Gulf of California which is actually Mexican waters so you can see how it gets confusing. The Oklahoma schools will have to ride the train to the Mississsippi and then float around the Yucatan and go through the Panama Canal and then north a long ways just to even get to the Gulf of California. Scheduling nightmare and not very Pacificky. At all.

Ye who wouldst moveth the Okie schools to the Pac-12, unto thee I doth elevate mine centremost badfinger!

Plus, I don't like the idea of two orange-n-black OSUs in the same conference. 'Specially when the new one is better than the old one. And I gotta ask Staci (thanks for the follow!) what the bloody heck is "Boomer Sooner!"?? I've heard of Boomer Esiason. And I know that Sooner or later everybody ends up in the Pac-X conference. But I don't understand the connect...

PS - that's a real 48-star flag in the background. My great uncle worked at Mare Island Naval Shipyard during WWII. That flag was going to be used on a war vessel but we nuked the Japs before the ship was finished so he ended up with the flag. I don't want to display it where it could be damaged so nowadays it does duty obscuring the nasty old paneling that remains on just one wall in my place.

Think "press 2 for Spanish" is bad?

2011-09-14T14:46:00.000-07:00

This link came in my inbox. No me gusta nada.

Michigan is trending red so hopefully Arabic-speaking welfare bums will start to feel a little uncomfortable soon. Maybe even feel all oppressed and stuff and want to move back to Yemen. But I kind of doubt it.

Oooh, they're serious now! UPDATED

2011-09-13T17:01:00.000-07:00

Seen the headline on Drudge? Barry's Organizing for America has a new website called attackwatch where ~~the Hitler Youth~~ people can rat out their neighbors for saying/doing attacky stuff. I'm tempted to sign up and submit my own blog posts. Might help boost my traffic. Then again, there may not be enough people who give a rip about whether attacky stuff is happening to barry for me to notice. I'd probably just get a lot of cuss-word-and-typo-laden crap comments from anonymous moonbats.

Thoughts?

**UPDATE

This is ALMOST enough to make me sign up for twitter. Almost. I particularly like "I just saw 6 ATMs in an alley killing a job. Looks like a hate crime."

Part of 9/11 I didn't know about

2011-09-11T17:46:00.000-07:00

Saw this vid linked in the comment's at Ace's. I can't believe that I hadn't heard about this.

Bigger than the Dunkirk evacuation of WWII...

Barry big problems need solving: the ongoing saga

2011-09-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

Governor Palin rides her modified snowmachine across the plains of the Upper Midwest, toward that familiar landmark. She finds Governor Perry some distance away, looking disoriented.

[Governor Perry] "Hello, Sarah. What's going on? Why am I here?"

[Palin] "The Elders have summoned you subliminally. It is good that you have responded. Now, help me find the trap door."

[Perry] "Trap door?"

[Palin] "Yes. There is a secret meeting place far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore."

[Perry] "Is this another one of your media events? A reality show?"

[Palin] "No. Yay! I found the door. Now follow me."

The trapdoor is lifted, revealing a narrow stairway that descends into complete darkness. The two begin their downward climb.

[Perry, flipping open his cell phone] "You've been here before?"

[Palin] "You betcha."

[Perry] "Then why didn't you think to bring a couple flashlights? It's darker than Cheney's soul at midnight down here."

[Palin, playfully] "Scared?"

[Perry] "No. Cthulhu has nightmares about me. But how far down do these stairs go? The only question I have is when we'll get to the bottom. It's like waiting for you to decide whether to announce your candidacy or not."

[Palin] "Har har. We're almost there... OK... Yeppers. Here's the puzzle door."

[Perry, reading the ancient runes] "Speak 'friend' and enter. Hmmm. OK, 'FRIEND!' "

Nothing happens. Perry unholsters his .88 Magnum and takes aim at the door. "I'm feeling a little crabby about Mitt bein' a lyin' punk 'bout my position on Social Security. Plus, I really don't have time for nonsense while my home state is on fire. So, door, ya got 3 seconds to open b'fore I waste ya."

[Palin] "Wait! I tried the same thing. It doesn't work. 'Friend and enter!' "

The door creaks open to reveal the secret conservative citadel far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore. The deceased Bill Casey, Dick Cheney, Fred Thompson and Chuck Norris are seated around an ancient stone table. Three seats remain empty.

[Palin] "Watch your head, the passage is kinda low."

[Perry] "My hair will protect me. It ain't bulletproof, but it will turn a Comanche war axe."

[Palin] "Wow."

[Perry] "Yeah, when I was younger I dared this Comanche to hit me with his axe. The blade was never quite the same after that."

[Cheney] "About friggin' time! Now all we need is Jindal to show up."

[Jindal] "I'm right here."

[Cheney] "Right where?"

[Jindal] "From your position, I am on a heading of 254^o and approximately 2.73 meters away."

[Cheney, impersonating Ripley from Aliens] "That can't be right! That's right here inside the room!"

[Jindal, removing magic ring] "One day during the gulf oil spill, I was out on the beach playing with a tarball when I found this ring. I put it on, and it made me invisible. I haven't taken it off since."

[Casey] "Ah, that explains a lot."

[Perry, to Casey] "I thought you were dead."

[Casey, aside to audience] "Do we reallllly have to explain that during every episode?"

[Casey] "Governor Perry, you are here for a very important purpose. You might be the one that the prophecy speaks of. The one who will restore balance to the right/left continuum. But first you must pass some tests."

[Perry] "Y'all have seen my grades. You might say 'I don't test well' or something."

[Casey] "Not that kind of test. We need to find out if you are conservative enough to inherit the mantle of The Reagan and counterbalance the millions of mess-in-their-drawers moonbat proglodytes out there who want to destroy America."

[Perry] "Now we're talkin'."

[Casey] "Mr. Cheney, your question."

[Cheney] "Governor, while it is still just the beginning phases of the campaign season, you are already butting heads with Mitt Romney. Assuming you win the nomination, how will you patch things up? How will you keep from alienating Mr. Romney's supporters?"

[Perry] "I know a real good taxidermist. He can put a couple longhorns on the side of Mitt's head, which I'll then mount on the hood of m' truck. Then I'll tell people "Mitt is out front, leadin' the way and I'm right behind him."

[Cheney laughs]

[Fred Thompson] "Tell us about you 2nd Amendment position, including hunters' rights."

[Perry] "I'll take any one of ya bird huntin' right now if you care to step outside."

[Cheney, belly laugh]

[Perry] "And I don't need no 12ga. I can feed a family of 10 all the bird they can eat, and all I need is a stick of juicy fruit and a flyswatter."

[Thompson] "OK, I can kinda/sorta see how a flyswatter may apply, but I don't get the chewing gum thing."

[Perry] "Gum? Naw. 'Stick of juicy fruit' means 'fat homo tied to a pole' where I come from. 'Cept maybe in Austin. The usual Texas rules don't seem to apply 'round there. The fat homo will shriek and flail his arms and pretty much act like a real believable scarecrow, sending the birds my way. Which I then catch in my bare hands."

[Thompson] "And the flyswatter?"

[Perry] "Umm... for shoo-in' away flies. Hello? Are y'all totally ign'ant?"

[Cheney, still laughing. Getting the uncontrollable tee-hees] "Ah ha ha ha ha. Aw crap, chest pains! Ha ha" [begins punching self in chest] "C'mon, ticker! Don't ha fail ha me ha now! OK, a little" [losing consciousness] "help...here...?"

Chuck Norris springs into action. Briefly. Then collapses in a pain-ridden heap on the cold, stony floor. A trio of Sports & Exercise Science majors arrive with a 5 gallon bucket of Icy Hot and an airless paint sprayer. They quickly apply a generous coat of the liniment to the writhing Norris.

[Chuck, doing one of those reverse handspring things, landing on his feet] "Much better! Thank you!" [performs spinning double-axle upside-down backfist with a cherry on top, right on Cheney's sternum]

[Cheney awakens]

[Jindal] "Are you OK????"

[Cheney] "The heart ain't working right, but my blood is still moving at about 300mph so I should be alright for a while."

[Jindal] "Governor Perry, as President, how would you encourage job creation?"

[Perry] "Ain't ya a little young to be counted among the Elders?"

[Jindal] "Well, it's kind of a long story..."

[Perry] "Anyway, I'd tell Big Oil 'here is your danged drilling permit. You have 20 minutes to start pulling crude outta that hole, or I'll kick ya so hard your proctologist will be able to identify what species of snake my snakeskin boots are made of, based only on the boot-burn I leave on you bottom.' "

[Casey, Palin, Jindal, Cheney and Thompson all nod in agreement] [together] "I think we have a winner!"

Wherefore art thou, Liz Cheney?

2011-09-06T16:39:00.000-07:00

Whatever happened to Liz? There for a while she was ripping Obunghole a new bama after each of his foreign policy gaffes. It was muy deliciosa. Then she went silent. I wonder what's going on...

Crrraaaaapppp!

2011-09-03T16:33:00.000-07:00

Sacra...

mento...

State....

We just lost to a 1-AA team. At home. In the freekin' Kansas Plan OT. They went for the win with a 2-pt conversion. And got it.

Now I REALLY need Andy's Tigers to come through and keep the rest of my ~~weekend~~ life from being utterly ruined.

Barry insightful vacation plans

2011-09-03T12:57:00.000-07:00

The pResident and first lady are getting themselves ready for the big, big speech to the Joint Session of Congress (that Boehner punked them on. Hee) You know, the one nobody will watch because A. Nobody Cares and B. There's a pretty decent football game on.

[MichelleO] "Bams, what do you think of this dress?"

[Obama, dour] "It's nice."

[MichelleO, singing] "Wanna know what I think? ♫ Well I'm hot butted, check it and see! Diameter of one hundred and three! C'mon, Barry, whaddya think of this azz? I'm hot butted, hot butted! ♫"

[Obama] "That's not how the song goes."

[MichelleO] "Aw, cheer up! Just because nobody likes you and come election time people are going to treat you like a baby treats a diaper, well, that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun in the remaining year and a half."

[Obama] "Remember that time when the Fonz made a mistake, but he couldn't quite bring himself to say the words? He just kinda stammered 'cuz it was so out-of-character for him to fail?"

[MichelleO] "I have no idea what you're talking about. Must've been some stupid middle-America white people show that you gramma used to watch. When I was growing up, we watched The Jeffersons and Sanford and Son."

[Obama] "OK, the Fonz was the epitome of coolness. He could just snap his fingers and two hotties would instantly appear at either side of him."

[MichelleO] "Kinda like you, three years ago."

[Obama] "Exactly. But one time he was wrong. He tried to admit it, but it just came out 'wro... wro...' like the sound of an old Plymouth with a weak battery."

[MichelleO] "This is the strangest conversation we've ever had."

[Obama] "What I'm trying to say, is that I su... s... suc... su... See!? I suck so bad I can't even say 'suck' without sucking at it."

[MichelleO, twinkle in her eye] "That was cute! Like when you try to talk without the teleprompter."

[Obama] "You're not helping. At all."

[MichelleO] "Alright, you want help? I'll give ya help. What you need to do is go out and look presidential. That vacation in Martha's Vineyard was a good start, but we really need to up your game. Where do you want to go next?"

[Obama] "Away."

[MichelleO] "Oh, pooh! Let's go somewhere fun! Somewhere tropical! Somewhere we'll never be able to afford on you post-presidential pension. 'Cuz I don't foresee people offering you a real job after this is over. We're gonna have to make do on your pension. We won't have too many more chances to have the taxpayers send us on a vacay. So let's go BIG!"

[Obama] "Like?"

[MichelleO] "How about Bali?"

[Obama, drearily] "Sounds as good as any other place."

[MichelleO, animated] "Yeah! We can commandeer an entire cruise ship. Call it Yacht Force One or something like that. And party and party."

[Obama] "How will this help my presidency?"

[MichelleO] "No president has ever done that. It'll make you appear Larger Than Life and people will really start to respect you again."

[Obama, brightening] "Really?!!"

[MichelleO] "Nah. But it'll be fun! And I can wear this new swimsuit on the ship! Do you like it? Does it make my butt look big?"

[Obama] " [click to play] "

Wish I had a minute or two

2011-08-31T15:01:00.000-07:00

But since I don't, go check out what Odie just put up at Left Coast Resistance.

Hee!

That time of year again

2011-08-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

That time again, when I start getting bulk email crap from Senator Inhofe. The lesson? Never, never, never use your real email addy when signing an online petition against cap-n-trade. 'Cuz even a fairly cool guy like Inhofe will spam the holy cheezits outta ya.

Terror Elf update

2011-08-25T15:27:00.000-07:00

Remember this guy? That's Mohamed the Somali Jihad Elf, who tried to 'splode the Christmas Tree Lighting in Portland last year. The FBI caught on to him and sold him a vanload of dud 'splosives so a whole lot of nothing happened 'cept for Mohamed getting busted.

Shortly thereafter, it was determined that the Jihad Elf attended the mosque here in Cowvallis. Said mosque is only a couple of Tiger Woods "pre-bimbo-eruption Tiger Woods when he still had a decent swing" golf swings away from my humble domicile. Also, this mosque has been linked to funding bad guys. Unfortunately there wasn't quite enough evidence to stick it to 'em. "Un-indicted co-conspirator" kind of stuff.


Unlike any other mosque, this one suffers a slight taint of unseemliness

You may also remember that shortly after it was learned that MoMo the Death Elf was a local boy, there was an arson incident at the mosque pictured above. The fire did not affect the landscaping - it looks like crap all the time. The fire ONLY affected the mosque office. I and others speculated that it was an inside job, done to destroy evidence of the mosque possibly being involved in MoMo's Great Christmas Fireworks Display of Doom. Seems I was wrong. [insert mealy-mouthed "sorry if you were offended by my knee-jerk reaction to blame the muslims because it is seems like something they would do" pseudo-apology here.]

TEArrorhobbit and fellow Oregonian Dave forwarded me a couple .pdf documents a few minutes ago regarding the case. A local youth has been charged in the arson. Lessee here if I can stick a .pdf in a blog post... Nope. Bummer. Gotta do it the old-fashioned way. So, here's the press release and indictment for those interested.

The prosecution is going full Hate Crime. Personally, I think a crime is a crappy thing to do. Period. Doesn't matter much to me what one's motivations were. There's a bit of hate implied in just about every crime. Is an arson done for insurance fraud really less arsony than one done because of hate? I don't think so. In the course of my daily routine, I drove past the mosque right after the arson. No fire trucks. No crime scene tape. I had no idea anything had happened 'til it was mentioned on the news. As Whoopi might say "it didn't seem like arson-arson."

Where do you stand on this? On one hand, it is absolutely un-American to ~~go around shooting people in the kneecaps~~ throw burning materials into a mosque office 'cuz you're mad at them - so throw the book at the arsonist. On the other hand, they are malodorous hate-prone muzzies and there wasn't much damage to their Glorious Place of Worship - ~~so give him a medal~~ make the kid pay for repairs and then have him pick up litter in the park for 40 hours and call it good.

Help me figger out where I should stand on this.

How can you have any pudding of you don't beat the heat?

2011-08-24T16:16:00.000-07:00

pure awesome

Summer has finally arrived. Didn't know it would ever get truly hot this year, but yes, yes, indeedee!

Today a project required installation at a new building on the OSU campus, which isn't quite finihsed. That bleeping doubletarded McMoron general contractor in charge there has a long pants/hard hat/orange vest/eye protection rule for EVERYBODY. Even the poor engraver dude who is just there to put some striping on some windows.

So I got pretty well roasted. Feet felt like they were ready to burst into flames. The answer? Blow Off! This stuff rules. Other brands are good, too. Just tip the can upside down and hit the button. INSTANT COLDNESS. Like, don't overdo it or you'll get frostbite kind of instant coldness. Fer reals. So I took off my shoes, zapped 'em with the upside-down Blow Off and within about 2 seconds the inside of my shoes were coated with a NICE COLD LAYER OF FROST. No kiddin'! Insert feet. Aaahhhh....

Also handy when you want to freeze a stupid liberal's face in one position long enough to get your camera. But you didn't hear that from me...

Barry's inner voice

2011-08-20T17:09:00.000-07:00

[Note: For some reason, the embedded audio players don't work in some browsers. If you are having trouble, click the link below to play it in your default media player]

Ever wonder what's going on inside barry's head? What his inner voice is telling him? It sounds a little like this:
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alternate link

Alternate Link

Regarding the previous post

2011-08-19T13:08:00.000-07:00

Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” Gen. 1:26

The way God drew up the plans, man would have dominion over all the critters. Man could say "Hey, Lion! Fetch me a Mountain Dew!" and the lion, if it knew what a Mountain Dew was, would do it. Pretty cool, eh?

That was in Genesis, chapter 1. Then man sinned and everything went kaflooey. When man sinned and fell, man lost that dominion. Man was the pinnacle of the material Creation, and when man fell, everything below also fell. Rebellion happened (and continues to happen) at all levels of creation because of man's failure. That's why I can't play with crocodiles and the lion won't fetch me that stupid can of Mountain Dew, no matter how nicely I ask him.

Now I don't have a Scriptural backing for my theory, but I believe doggies are "less fallen" than most of the other critters because they (usually) heed man. They still pretty much recognize Man's dominion. Treat a doggie even halfway decent and he'll do anything for you. A little food and a little attention and that doggie will face the lion for you. That's what makes the subject of that previous post so thoroughly disgusting and angering. Our troops are getting shot at and being killed trying to save people who have no problem at all with cruelly maiming the least fallen of all the critters. Sickening.

⁶ “ The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb,
      The leopard shall lie down with the young goat,
      The calf and the young lion and the fatling together;
      And a little child shall lead them.
       ⁷ The cow and the bear shall graze;
      Their young ones shall lie down together;
      And the lion shall eat straw like the ox.
       ⁸ The nursing child shall play by the cobra’s hole,
      And the weaned child shall put his hand in the viper’s den.
       ⁹ They shall not hurt nor destroy in all My holy mountain,
      For the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the LORD
      As the waters cover the sea.                     Isaiah 11:6-9

Do not click

2011-08-19T10:30:00.000-07:00

DO NOT CLICK ON THE FOLLOWING LINK. SERIOUSLY. DO NOT CLICK THIS [100 REALLY BAD WORDS REDACTED] LINK.

HOLY [REDACTED]!

PLEASE, PLEASE, GIMME A SHORT LENGTH OF PIPE AND PUT ME IN A DARK ALLEY WITH THOSE [MANY FOUL WORDS REDACTED] SO-CALLED "PEOPLE"

Announcement

2011-08-19T08:46:00.000-07:00

I've been added as a contributor at Trestin's Don't Tread On Us. Not sure what I'll do yet in terms my writing. May just cross-post stuff over there, or I may split my attempts at humor from my attempts at Serious Commentary^TM. Either way, stick Don't Tread On Us in your feeder, your follow list, your bookmarks, the post-it note taped to your monitor, or however it is that you keep track of your favorite sites.

There Can Only Be One

2011-08-18T12:29:00.000-07:00

On a nondescript stretch of highway in New Hampshire, campaign buses pass each other by going in opposite directions...

[Romney] "That's him! Turn around"

The bus driver dutifully complies.

[Romney] "Step on it! Catch up to that other bus!"

After a few miles, Romney's bus is right behind the other. Romney reaches past the driver and grabs the little chain to sound the bus' air horn. **BRAAAAAA** The leading bus pulls over at a scenic viewpoint on the road and the second bus pulls in behind.

[Gov. Perry, stepping out of lead bus] "Y'all better start 'splaining whart's goin' on. If you pulled us over for anythin' less than to warn me of my bus bein' on far and ready to 'splode, thar's gonna be a heap o' trouble."

[Romney] "No, that's not it at all. I think, I think, well, how to explain this..." [Holds up picture of three persons' hair]

[Romney, continuing] "See, we each have very Reaganesque hair. Placed next to each other, they are nearly indistinguishable. Hence, I suggest that we not fight each other. Instead, you should be my running mate, and our campaign slogan can be 'Hair Apparent to the Mantle of Reagan: Romney/Perry 2012'. I think the little play on heir/hair is cute and will really resonate with the electorate."

[Perry] "The only thing resonatin' is my brain. 'Cuz listenin' through all the stupid in you little spiel there made my brain shrink and now it's bouncin' off the insides of my skull. Let's pick this apart: first of all, me 'n Dutch Reagan part our hair on the right. 'Cuz "Right" is like our dee-fault settin' for just about ever'thin'. Y'all parts yours on the left and try to drag it all over to the right but y'all ain't convincin' nobody with all that. Secondly, yer hair looks like the roadkill I use to bait the coyote traps. Thirdly..."

[Romney interrupts] "Let's not be like that, picking each other apart. We have too much in common. We've both been governors. We both have fabulous hair. We, umm, we... We both have pick-up trucks... We're like that episode of Star Trek where there were those two guys. They were painted half black and half white. Well, the other guy was half white and half black. See, they thought they were polar opposites of each other, but they were really the same. When they touched each other there would be these ZzZZZz electrical sounds and sparks would fly but they really should have been natural allies. Like us."

[Perry] "Naw, we are total opp'sites: While you was watchin' Star Trek and sippin' your Roy Rogers at the Hamptons with your rich daddy, I was picking cotton and killin' feral hogs with a butterknife 'cuz we couldn't afford a proper hog-killin' knife."

[Romney, imploringly] "But that's the point! Together, you as my running mate, we could appeal to EVERYBODY!"

[Perry] "Y'all must realize that ever'thin you're sayin' would also be true with me at the top of the ticket."

[Romney, face turning ugly with rage] "NO! NO! A thousand times NO! *I* am the one who pissed through millions of his own dough last time. *I* am the one who has been campaigning all this time. Plus, the Establishment said that *I* am up. It is MY turn!"

[Romney lunges forward and grabs Perry by the shoulders] "ZzZZZz! ZzZZZz! There. Can. Only. Be. One.! ZzZZZz! ZzZZZz!"

[Perry brushes Romney's hands away] "No man has ever put his hands on me uninvited and lived to tell the tale. Wait. That sounds kinda bad. It's not like I ever invite men to touch me. I'm talkin' 'bout guys like the doc that fixed my back a while back. That's OK. But I'll make a 'ception for you this time since I don't much feel like 'splaining at the next debate how I had to kill ya and then use your bones to build a raised flarbed for my wife's yeller roses."

[Romney] "Thanks... I think."

Perry, executing a quick-draw, pulls out his Desert Eagle and fires a round off to Romney's side.

[Romney, freaking out] "What the heck was that all about??!?!"

[Perry] "There was a three-legged snark sneakin' up behind y'all. Them's venomous as hell and woulda killed ya right quick. I just saved yer life. So just get yourself back in the bus and think real hard about being my veep."

A day of firsts

2011-08-17T17:05:00.000-07:00

First IV...
First blood drawn...
First time I've ever used my health insurance...
First time I've ever gone to the ER for anything but stitches...

My Daughter-in-Law and grandkid are staying with us for a while. Late last week both DiL and GK got the pukey squirt misery. It lasted a day and a half or so, then both were fine. Then Saturday in the middle of the night I got the pukey squirt misery. It persisted through Sunday and I was feeling just kind of meh on Monday but I made it through the workday. Yesterday was trending towards normal. Ate some of the usual junk food and no dramatic aftereffects.

Awakened this morning by belly pains that felt like a bad gas bubble. Which got worse. And worse. Next thing ya know, I can barely breathe - the pain would override any attempt to really inhale. So I'm sitting there panting shallowly and I finally decide it's time to head to the ER.

Normally, I don't give a crap about pain. That may sound like a bunch of macho hoo-haa, but it is true. It is amazing how one's body can heal from things even without assistance from the medical profession. I need to be in some pretty bad shape to go to the doc - in fact, today's visit was only the fifth time I've seen a doc since Reagan was president. And two of those visits were just routine check-ups I had to have on file to maintain my CDL. Back in the early '90s I got bucked off my mountain bike and broke *something* in my left shoulder and didn't even bother to see a doc for it. Piss on all that, it's only pain. That shoulder still clicks and pops and does annoying stuff, but pretty much healed. What I'm saying is that I just don't go to the doctor if it's only pain.

But today was different. I was convinced that something was perforated/torn/ruptured/obstructed in my gut, and that they'd have to cut on me to fix it. Ugh. To start things off they gave me some fluids and pain meds through the IV. The nurse cautioned that "you make a weird taste in you mouth" and she was right - it tasted just like a brand new pack of band-aids smells. Screwy. After the pain had abated enough for the doc to poke and prod, he proceeded to poke and prod. Then some X-Rays. Then some bloodwork. White count came back a bit high, but not alarmingly so. X-Rays showed nuthin'. A couple hours later I was sent home. The gut-ache never really came back. Still hurts a little, but it is more of a "day after the table saw kicked a piece of wood back into your stomach" pain than a "holy craparoni, this is serious!" kind of pain.

So, for my $100 co-pay I have a sore spot on my hand where they put the IV and a lingering mild tummyache...

I shouldn't have bothered...

Cool sticker

2011-08-16T12:51:00.000-07:00

I just saw this sticker for the first time on the back of a Jeep here in town. Did a little googlin' and found them available at http://www.thevastconspiracy.com/ along with some other cool ones. I like their "Bad Liberal - No Foodstamps!" one quite a bit, too.

Michelle my Belle in Corvallis

2011-08-12T13:39:00.000-07:00

Wanna see me make an entire turkey leg disappear?

Amusing Bunni was right the other day... She warned my that Michelle would be nearby. I thought she was only going to be in Eugene - a place I routinely avoid anyway. But nooooooooo...

She had to come here to Cowvallis. And all the local "news" is fawning admiration. Ugh. Glad she chose to have lunch at del Alma, a place which is way to froo-froo for this kid. Very little risk of an uncomfortable confrontation as long as she sticks to places like and I stick to my usual diet of convenience store hotdogs.

At least until she makes convenience store hotdogs illegal.

True to my word

2011-08-10T16:31:00.000-07:00

Per Norman Pennywise's suggestion, I have created the Official Membership Roll of the Terrible Terrifying TeaHobbit Alliance. It appears at the top of the left column. Which also reminds me that I need to update the rest of the blogroll. If your blog has been dormant for a while, it risks being removed. And you don't want that. Being removed from the blogroll of a ~~guy~~ hobbit that gets about 35 hits/day would be very bad. Like having your company de-listed on the NYSE. Very humiliating. So turn your blog back on and post something, K?

Heh heh hehheheheheh

2011-08-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

Heh heh democrats suck heh unions, too. Heh

The recall elections in Wisconsin. Heh heh. Republicans hold the state Senate. Heh. This, on top of Feingold losing, that nasty Judge Kloppenhoof (or whatever her name is) losing to Prosser, and Gov. Walker's reforms being upheld. Heh heh.

The dem/union alliance outspent Team R by 2-1, and had over 8000 volunteers. AND STILL LOST! Heh heh heheheh heh. All I have to say is "Thanks, dems! Thanks, unionistas! You dumped MILLIONS of dollars into Wisconsin's economy in this recall effort. Heh. And all ya got to show for it are blisters on your stinky sandal-clad feets. Heh heh heh! All that money you spent is going to boost Wisconsin's economy and make Gov. Walker look even better. Heh heh. And you have to defend your fleebaggin' selves from losing two more seats in next week's recall elections! Heh heh heh heh."

This reminds me of a few months back when the Canadian libs voted "no confidence" in PM Harper. In the subsequent elections, the Conservatives *gained* seats and ended up with a bigger majority than before. Heh heh heh.

Anyway, Wisconsonites, Wisconsonians, cheeseheads - whatever form of address you prefer - just a reminder that in about a month my Beavs play your Badgers. So when I say Bad Things about you that week, remember, it's just a game. Heh heh heh.

Jeeee-haaawwwd!

2011-08-09T12:45:00.000-07:00

My faithful friends, I am Bubba bin Bubba Al-Bubbá and I have finally hacked into innominatus' blogger. I can now post freely. OK, I didn't really hack it. I'm not exactly the sharpest card in the deck. No way I could figger out any of that hackery stuff. He just walked away without logging out so I figgered I should be able to post here real quickety like before he comes back...

Anyways, how's things with you? As you can see, my beard is pretty scraggly from that incident on the 4th of Jooo-lie. Since none y'all have seen me in a while, lemme tell ya how it went down...

I went to the Wal-Martyr and bought the largest pack of farworks I could git, a 3-pack of tennis balls and a bunch of them strike-anywhar matches. First off, I got to whittlin' the strikey parts off the matches. I was partsway done when an ember off my Marlboro landed right in the middlin' part of 'em and foosh! my beard is on far. Dang. Had to go down to the 7-11 and buy some more matches from that dang polytheist Apu guy. So after a good long afternoon of whittlin' and beer tippin', I had me a pretty goodly amount of matchheads.

Then I used my Buck knife to gouge a hole in the tennis balls, into which I perceeded to cram the matchheads. The plan was two-fold: have me some farworks fun and also maybe set the synagogue on fire from a safe distance. Then I started takin' all them fireworks apart. I was fixin' to use the guts of 'em as a propellant for my home-brew mortar, 'cuz Larry at the sportin' goods store won't sell me no more gunpowder. I needed to borrow a piece of tennis-ball sized pipe from cousin Abdul, so he brought it over. But then allvasudden Abdul's goin' on about Joooos in NASCAR. I told him there ain't no Jooos in NASCAR, 'cept maybe some car owners. And he says what about the Joe Nemechek guy. "Y'all tryin' to tell me that 'Nemechek' ain't no Jooosh name?" I tell him "Naw, I'm purdy sure he's just from, like, Korea or somethin'.

We spent most of the day arguing 'bout Jooos takin' over NASCAR. There just ain't no convincin' him. Time I coulda spent unravelin' farcrackers to get the powder out 'em got wasted bickerin' with Abdul. Aller willin' and the seas don't rise, someday I will talk some sense into that boy.

Anyways, I ended up missing the whole 4th 'cuz that pack o' farworks was so dang big. But by the evenin' of the 5th, though, I had 'em all dissected and the powder extracted and it was finally time for some fun. I drove down the road a ways and parked a couple blocks from the synagogue. I figgered I was just about in range. As I was settin' up my mortar, along come some car with gubmint plates. Out step some guy dressed like the Men in Black. He yells at me "DHS! DHS! Drop the mortar!"

And I said "I ain't no terrorist. I'm a faithful pracktishner of the religion of peace."

"Hmmm.... You're a peaceful muslim, but you're also one of those dangerous rednecks" the agent mumbled. Then he stood there lookin' all confused, like a smallmouth that just swallered a rubber worm. He dint know what to do. "Don't move while I call my supervisor."

I sprung inta action. I aimed my mortar at his junk drawer and yelled "Glory to Aller!" Then I pulled the trigger. Unfortunately, I acted kinda rashly there. See, the mortar didn't have a breechblock to speak of. The butt end was s'posed to be just stuck in the ground. Without the butt in the ground, well, the backfire from it hit me right in my toolbox. Then my dang beard caught far. Again. Dang. And the tennis ball just kinda rolled harmlessly out the muzzle. But in the midst of all that confusion I was able to jump in my F-250 and get away.

Aw, crap. Here comes that innominatus guy. Better go...

You can't beat this so don't even try

2011-08-09T11:21:00.000-07:00

The mildest summer I can ever remember continues unabated. Last few days there've been low clouds come in from the coast that take 'til about noon to burn off. Then the afternoons are NICE. And if that ain't enough, a while back the NYT did a study of safest places to live with regard to natural disasters. Out of 379 metropolitan areas, my town of Corvallis is the safest! (Safe link to iOTW for the NYT-averse).

So if you're tired of sweltering, flooding, having your roof blown off or everything around you burning to the ground in a wildfire, you should move up here. We can build a walled compound separate from all the Prius drivers that reside here and, like, have us a good ol' time.

R.I.P. SEALs and helo crew

2011-08-06T15:58:00.000-07:00

Some Taliban protohuman got lucky and hit one of our helicopters. Some say it was an with RPG, others speculate that it was a real surface-to-air missile. Facts aren't all in yet. But it was a chopper full of SEALs along the the helo crew and some Afghani locals. The biggest loss of life in any one incidence in the history of the SEALs.

** Horrible!! **

Image from wikipedia

I idealize America as rather like a beehive: basically a bunch of industrious people getting things done and not bothering anybody. We come and go; we produce and consume. In the course of just getting things done, we (almost inadvertently) improve things around us. The bee, just looking for food, does the flowers great service without even knowing it. Pollination happens and multiplication follows. One flower becomes a field of flowers. Americans offer the entire world a Great Marketplace where things can be exchanged. Quality of life for both Americans and others is improved. Like a pharmacologist who toiled making a new drug just wants to get paid his due wages, but a little kid in Africa is cured by that pharmacologist's work. Do you see what I mean? Just let us do our thing and we all stand to benefit.

So the bee pollinates the plant and the birds and the deer eat the fruit that results from the bee's work. The bee and the bird and the deer all get along fine and mostly ignore each other. There is balance and there is abundance. As long as nobody screws with the bee. Screw with the bee and things change. The bee doesn't recall its ambassadors. The bee doesn't seek a bipartisan solution. The bee doesn't give a half a crap about proportionate response. Screw with the bee just a little, and now you're in a fight to the death. Screw with the bee hive and the response is even more dramatic. The bees will make sure that the one who molests the hive pays dearly. The bee hive gains a reputation as "something you just don't screw with." The bees' very ferocity means they don't have to be ferocious very often. People and critters alike just learn not to screw with the bees.

Therefore, peaceful coexistence is the usual order of things.

That's where I'm at with the War on Terror. I no longer give half a crap about proportionate response. Which is just newspeak for "tit-for-tat." I am not in favor of trading our guys for theirs. I am in favor of Grossly Disproportionate Response. We have the means to utterly destroy every place the Taliban might be hiding. There is no good reason for our nation's best to be making themselves vulnerable to ground fire from wife-beating cavemen. There is no good reason to be engaging the Taliban "at their level." There is no good reason for this to be a battle between guys-with-guns against other guys-with-guns. While our guys-with-guns are exceptionally well trained, well equipped and well disciplined and their guys-with-guns are morons, sometimes the morons get lucky.

Enough!

Bomb. Bomb. Punish. Bomb. Show the world what happens when the American beehive is screwed with. What about all the non-combatants who will be killed or injured? Isn't that totally inhumane and unjust? Two kids are standing next to the beehive when one kid whacks it with a stick. The bees come out and sting both. Only one kid is truly guilty but they both feel the pain. So it should be in dealing with terrorists. Let the non-combatants say to themselves "We need to get these terrorists out of here before America destroys our entire village!" The price of hanging out with kids who whack bees' nests is pain. The price of abetting or even tolerating terrorist activity must also be pain. If the price of tolerating terrorists is just a "friendly American presence that provides security and sometimes shoots bad guys" then the population will tolerate terrorists in their midst forever. And our guys will continue dying forever. Unacceptable. Make a vicious, bloody example of these troglodytes and in the long run the will actually be less blood shed.

Belated Birthday Wishes

2011-08-04T10:43:00.000-07:00

Hey, sorry, Barry! Got kinda busy yesterday and didn't celebrate your birfday. So, better nate than lever, eh?

C'mon, let's sing!

Happy Birfday to you
Happy Birfday you boob
Happy Birfday you vindictive meddlesome annoying jug-eared jerk
Happy Birfday boo hoo!!!!!

Careful! No spitting on the cake when you blow out your candle!

Politically Incorrect Inbox Goodie

2011-08-03T14:43:00.000-07:00

From aA:

I was sitting at a traffic light on the highway, yesterday, next to a carload of Muslims, when a big semi-trailer drove right over the top of their car!
"Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me!"....

So I went and got a commercial truck driver's license!

My precious terroristy hobbitses

2011-08-02T16:01:00.000-07:00

Pictured: James Carville on New Year's Eve after a fifth of Yukon Jack.
He has nothing to do with this issue, but this post just didn't seem complete without a picture of him.

Whether you like this debt ceiling deal or not, it sure is fun to see the leftoids getting thistles in their knickers about it. The name-calling is getting pretty intense. We've graduated from being "teabaggers" to "hobbits" and now to "terrorists." Which is bullhockey. How do I know? If I were a real terrorist, the leftards would d*mn sure be appeasing me instead of pissing me off, that's how.

But anyway. I'm not so upset by it. In fact, I'm going to Yankee Doodle this thing and embrace it, just to annoy 'em further. With that in mind, I will henceforth be known as

Innomihobbit the Impaler.

I suggest you claim your own nom d'hobbit in the comments before all the cool ones are taken.

**UPDATE:

Norman Pennywise is spreading the word. Thank you! He also nominates me to be the Offical Registrar of Tea Hobbit Names. OK. I'll do it. I'll catalog your Hobbit Handle and defend it from interlopers. And if you send me just three easy payments of $39.99 (+s&h) I might even send you a commemorative coin and a certificate of authenticity and some steak knives.

D'oh!!

2011-07-30T15:10:00.001-07:00

Wife dropped the socket set. Time to get good at fractions.

atheist humor

2011-07-29T13:07:00.000-07:00

A hard-core atheist boards an airliner. A young girl takes the seat next to his. The atheist says "You know, these long flights seem to go a lot quicker then there is some good conversation. Would you like to talk with me?"

The girl answers "Sure. What do you want to talk about?"

The atheist says "I want to talk about how there is no god, there is no heaven, there is no hell, and there is no afterlife."

"OK, those could be interesting topics" says the little girl, "but first, can I ask you a question?"

The atheist nods.

"Alright, a deer, a cow and a horse all eat the same thing: grass. Why is it, then, that the deer poops little pellets, the cow poops runny plops, and the horse poops big clumps?"

Intrigued by the girl's obvious intelligence, the atheist pauses for a moment and says "I really don't know."

To which the little girl responds, "Are you really sure you're qualified to discuss such deep topics as the existence of God and life-after-death, just moments after publicly demonstrating that you really Don't... Know... Crap...??"

Beltran a Giant

2011-07-27T18:14:00.000-07:00

In the comments from the previous post, Manhattan Infidel jostled me awake with an interesting question. Interesting in that it has nothing to do with how to make bail at 2:00am or how to get a date with Jessica Simpson. He asked about what I thought of Beltran going to the Giants.

Lessee here... First off, my interest in baseball waxes and wanes with the success of the Giants. In other words, I paid next to no attention for A LONG TIME. Then about halfway through last season it started looking like they might make the postseason and my interest perked back up. Then this year they are doing well again. Leading the NL West. So I'm still kinda paying attention. But not to other teams so much. Especially the NY Mess. What I know about Beltran is that he's been dinged up the last few seasons but has a reputation for being a reliable RBI guy.

That's something the G-men can use. Their batting order doesn't exactly inspire a lot of fear. Even less so with Posey out. Winning games seems to be all pitching and some timely slap hit from some nobody at the bottom of the order. Doesn't seem like enough to make it deep into the postseason. Nobody on the team is even double-digits in homers yet. Ick. Hopefully Beltran can be productive with not much else around him.

And Matt, sorry about that bogus call against you Bucs. In the order of things I despise, it goes: coconut, Obama, Atlanta Braves, black licorice. So I feel your pain.

Defeat to Victory to Defeat to Victory

2011-07-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

Alllllrright... The water pump in my car has been leaking for a while. It's been leaking out of the little seephole that indicates the internal seal is failed. That means the bearings are getting wet. I knew the day would come... The last few days it has been squealing like a banshee that just accidentally saw Barney Frank undressed. So today, my weekend project was to swap out the water pump.

Water Pump. Simple 'nuff. Take off the belt, undo a couple bolts, no biggie, eh? Well on a stupid frontwheel drive Japmobile it is a different story. Had to take off the power steering pump and AC compressor just to SEE THE STUPID pump. Then, in a bold example of revenge, the engineer who must still hold a grudge about losing WWII designed this thing decided that there should only be about an inch of clearance to the wheelwell. Tricky but do-able, right? OK, how about putting 3 of the 5 bolts BEHIND THE TIMING COVER! So now the nasty plastic timing cover has to come off. Seems simple, right? No! Some of the bolts that hold the timing cover on are BEHIND THE MAIN CRANK PULLEY. There is no way in any 3-dimensional universe to get the timing cover off without ACTUALLY PULLING THE ENGINE. Or destroying part of the plastic timing cover. I opted for destroying part of the plastic cover with tin snips and some pliers. I get 4 of the 5 bolts out when I realize the the fifth is BEHIND THE TIMING BELT TENSIONER. So all of a sudden I am carless. Plus, I dropped a socket down into an unreachable in what's left of the timing cover, so I couldn't even screw it all back together and hope it would run for a couple more days.

My crap job is about 8 miles away. My real job is about 3. That's a lot of walking.

So. Wife and I prayed about it. Didn't know what to do. Discussed going carless for the weekend and trying to fix it ourselves and/or haul it to a shop on Monday. Discussed buying another car which we don't have the money for so that was a brief discussion. Looked on a website for a local used car guy I've done some business with years ago.

Used Car Guy's store was going to close in 20 minutes. We couldn't walk there fast enough. We told him that 6 hours ago we weren't even in the market for another car and we don't have much money. Used Car Guy dropped what he was doing and hurried over and picked us up at our house. Used Car Guy's wife is receiving an award tonight for her work with Operation Homefront so we didn't have a lot of time. Used Car Guy just says "Here's the keys to a 2002 Malibu. Come back early next week and we'll try to get you in a car." Zero dollars exchanged hands. Just some ink on some paper and keys in my hand.

So I want to thank God for pulling me out of a major jam and thank Al Hutchinson the Used Car Guy for being so cool about this whole situation. Nonbelievers may chalk this up to good karma or something if you prefer, but it really was a miracle.

But wait! After we pushed the dead car a little further up the driveway, umm, "where are the keys to the new car?" "Dunno you just had 'em a second ago."

Crud.

Oh! Here they are, mixed in with the dead parts of the dead car! Phew!

Is this REALLY our SecState?

2011-07-21T16:12:00.000-07:00

Dunno how many of you go to Drudge or how often. I check it about twice a day. I don't think he's all that conservative. In fact, for some reason I don't quite trust him. He's like Dick Morris if Dick Morris knew how to use HTML. But he has good info and seems to full-on HATE the Clintons. Which I am entirely cool with. In fact, ol' Matt seems to find the worst possible pics of them to put on his site. Below the fold you'll see what I mean... and don't click unless you've had your dramamine.

Portland Mayor Sam Adams after a 3-day weekend

No, NO, NO! This cannot be the US Secretary of State! This... This... This is a homeless tranny trying to shoplift a Butterball past the kid who supervises the U-Scan line at the Safeway. Can you imagine Condi going out in public looking like that? No way! She'd bomb the whole Warsaw Pact before she'd allow herself to look like this. Colin Powell? Nope. Maybe an Obamaphile RiNO squish, but at least he always looks professional. He'd never, [never underestimate what a fifth of Jager will do to a man's judgment. Jus' sayin. -CP] ever do that.

If this is the international Face of the United States, we're more scroomed than I thought!

Barry intense gaming session

2011-07-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

Alone in the White House Map Room, the pResident sits at a table arrayed with fantasy gaming figurines.

[Obama, 'walking' a figure across the table with his hand, in "elfie" voice] "Once upon a time Barack the Half-Drow-Elven Warrior/Druid was peacefully exploring the forest. 'Look! A birdie!' said Barack. Suddenly, he was set upon by his arch-nemesis: BaneWhore, the Demi-Lich of Ohio."

The pResident picks up a monster figurine which is extremely ugly.

[Obama, in a gravelly bass voice, 'animating' the monster figure with his hand] "I am John the BaneWhore, Scourge of the House. I am the Ruler of this Realm now!"

[animating original elf figure] "My name is Barack Obama. You killed my spending bills. Prepare to die!"

[Obama, normal voice] "OK, let's roll for initiative." [rolls a d6] "Dang. BaneWhore got a six." [rolls again] "Dang, Barack got a 1. BaneWhore gets to attack first."

[Obama, in monster voice] "Bwaahaahaa! I strike thee with mine +4 Nozzle of Douche!" [rolls d20] "S***! A 18!" [rolls d12 for damage] "Gack! A 10! Which is actually a 14 now!"

[Obama, in elfie voice] "BaneWhore, you may have just smote me for half my Election Points, but you have no match for my 19 Charisma! I cast a Charm Monster spell. Soon you will be under my sway!"

[Normal voice] "Let's see BaneWhore deal with that! He has to roll a Natural 20 or succumb to my every command!" [rolls d20] "Crap! A 20! Are you even serious?" [Looks closely at d20 then throws it across the room]

Obama's Chief of Staff enters.

[Guy who took over for Rahm but nobody can remember his name] "Sir, what are you doing?"

[Obama, startled] "Oh! Uhh, just wargaming some scenarios for dealing with the Republican obstructionism in this Debt Ceiling debate. This is getting down to crunch time and I need a solid strategy."

[GWTOFRBNCRHN] "Just wanted to go over today's schedule with you."

[Obama] "Anything that will conflict with my tee time?"

[GWTOFRBNCRHN] "Let's see... Nope. Just some fundraisers and a hush-hush meeting with the Dalai Lama."

[Obama] "Good"

[Obama, in elfie voice] "I told you, BaneWhore, that I would win" [raises elf figure and smashes it down on monster figure, breaking monster's leg]

[monster voice] "I have received a grievous injury. I must flee, lest I be utterly destroyed."

[elfie voice, holding figure aloft] "I won! People like me again!"

[GWTOFRBNCRHN, on his cell phone] "Hey, Spokesman Carney! Yeah, umm. At the next press conference, make sure the reporters don't push too hard. Make sure they are polite and there is only still photography. Yeah, he's losing it. I'll up his meds and you keep the press away from him for a while."

**URGENT: Deadly outbreak of SaRDS

2011-07-18T12:55:00.000-07:00

Dateline: Bethesda, MD
INN field agent Wii Hung Lo reporting

Dr. James Flake

At a joint press conference held at Bethesda Naval Hospital, Dr. James Flake from the CDC in Atlanta has announced a very deadly new disease he calls "Sudden Random Death Syndrome" or SaRDS.

"SaRDS," says Dr. Flake, "seems to disproportionately affect the elderly, drunk rednecks, and terrorists. However, nobody is immune. Even healthy young people have been struck by this fearsome disease. Like the pedestrian that got run over by Cash Cab in Vancouver the other day. This is devastating. SaRDS will cause WAYYYY more deaths than global warming, yet I have only the most meager budget to combat it. Hint-hint."

Fateful picture of drunk redneck playing with Molotov Cocktail,
immediately prior to dramatic onset of SaRDS

Dr. Flake continues. "I have just become aware of a 96 year old lady in Hoboken who only left her cat-infested apartment to buy genoa salami and unfiltered Camels. She pretty much lived on salami and smokes. She dropped dead of SaRDS which tells me that it is dangerously contagious. If someone who scarcely ever leaves her apartment can be exposed, then we are all vulnerable."

Taliban fighters dying of 30mm cannon fire and SaRDS,
but mostly SaRDS

"Further, we can not rule out an attack by extraterrestrials. Consider this harrowing report I received from Lester McClintock of Enid, Oklahoma:

I lost my best buddy to SaRDS

"My buddy Cletus was way behind in his trucking business, and he was taking another load of steer to the stockyard. Wait. Let's back up a second. Cletus had been up for 8 straight days on a meth binge and not thinking real straight. Man, could Cletus do some meth, shoowee! He could do enough crank to give that Great White Whale, aw, what's that name again?" "Rosie O'Donnell?" I suggested. "Naw, naw." He replied "Mo, mobama, naw, Moby Dick. Yeah, that's it! Anyway, he could do enough meth to give Moby Dick an infarction. So he calls me up on that CB radio he has, and tells me that he's being attacked by invisible rabid Shmoos with hypodermic needles for fangs. Next thing ya know, he's run his truck into a railroad trestle and it flat killed him dead. I mean really flat. The DOT guy estimated from all the steer s**t splattered on the cab that the truck was going 94mph. I had no idea his old Peterbilt could go that fast. Think I'm gonna try to salvage the motor."

Dr. Flake interrupts at this point, "See? We might even be facing an invasion of Shmoos from outer space. SaRDS is unlike any other threat we have faced. I need a LOT more grant money if I am ever to come up with a vaccine for SaRDS."

New Antisocial Networking Site!!

2011-07-13T13:06:00.000-07:00

Some of my blog buddies are getting pretty jazzed about Google+. I haven't tried it yet. Prolly won't. Instead, I've been spending my time at another new site. Below you can get a taste of how it works.

Of course this is click-biggable

**UPDATE: Linked by MaxRedline. Thanks!

Barry big pile o' junk

2011-06-23T12:27:00.000-07:00

Morning staff meeting in the White House. The usual crew is present.

[Obama] "Let's get a quick round-up. Economy?"

[Goolsbee] "Sucks. Sucks so bad that I quit."

[Obama] "Wars?"

[Panetta] "I never thought it would happen, but Americans are getting tired of bombing brown people. All this bombing you're doing is hurting your popularity."

[Obama] "Hmmm. Popularity... Axe?"

[Axelrod] "We're getting the campaign machine reassembled. But the enthusiasm is way down. Good thing the rich people are getting richer, 'cuz the average schmuck now pretty much hates you and would never give a dime for your re-election. You should maybe start thinking about your post-pResidential life. Baracka, when the walls fell."

[Obama] "Wait. I have an idea. Remember how that guy published pics of his junk on twitter and it was all anybody was talking about for a good solid week? Let's do that again. Except somebody more famous. Somebody that'll dominate the headlines for a long time. Keep the heat off me long enough to start getting my crap together. Who...? Who...?"

VP Biden walks in, late for the meeting. Wearing earbuds and singing softly.

[Biden, making rodeo gestures] "♪ On a bull named Fu-Manchu ♫"

[Obama] "Joe!" [louder] "JOE!" [yanks earbuds out of Joe's ears]

[Obama] "Get off your air horse for a second. I have an important job for you."

[Biden] "Sir, yes sir!"

[Obama] "I need you to post a pic of your junk on your twitter."

[Biden, hesitant] "But sir, I'm not sure ab..."

[Obama, interrupting] "I know it is a lot to ask. But toughen up. I need you right now, and you need to answer the call of destiny."

[Biden] "But. But. OK, this is hard. In fact, it sounds almost cruel. I don't have a twitter anymore. See, the first one got away. Then the second one get eaten by my cat. The third one, well, it spontaneously combusted. Dunno how that happened. But it ruined the drapery, which was Jill's favorite. The guy at the pet store and Jill both told me clearly: no more twitters."

[Obama] "I'm not talking about a bird, Joe! I'm talking about that internet thing."

[Biden, rubbing chin, distant stare] "Internet... Internet... Sounds kinda familiar. Oh! Yeah, that series of tubes invented by Fat Albert. OK. Hey, Hey, Hey! Gotcha. You want me to put a pic of my junk on twitter? I haven't even touched that twitter thing since the election. Which reminds me, I think I should primary you! Heh. Kidding. Maybe. Heh. Alright, I'll do it."

[Obama] "Thanks, Joe."

Several days go by. ZERO coverage in the news. Obama's polling numbers continue to discolor the porcelain.

[Obama] "Dang! Usually the media embargoes of my gaffes are helpful, but I need them to jump on this one. Are we sure Joe posted that pic?"

[Sebelius] "Don't look at me, I'm not going to check!"

[Napolitano] "Same here. No way, no how. I've never seen a man's junk. Not even once. And I'm not about to start now."

[Obama calling Joe on the speakerphone] "Joe! I thought you were gonna put a picture of your junk on twitter!"

[Biden] "Sir! I did! I promise!"

[Obama] "Seems like we would've had independent confirmation of this by now. Are you sure? You wouldn't lie to me?"

[Biden] "Ummm...."

[Obama] "I knew it! You lied! You never posted the pic!"

[Biden] "I posted the pic, sir. But I confess that it wasn't really my junk. At least, not my junk yet."

[Obama] "OMG, Joe! You posted a pic of another man's junk?"

[Biden] "'Well, I really have no junk. Jill won't allow it. I mean, I have some serious junk, but Jill won't allow me to keep it at the house. I've tried to convince her that while there is a lot of it, I'd promise to keep it tidy. But she's never let me."

[Napolitano] "I think I'm gonna hurl."

[Biden] "So, I posted a pic of Grandpa Biden's junk. Like a lot of men, he was always rather proud of his junk. It has become something of a family heirloom. Right now it is in a field in Scranton. Someday it'll officially be mine. I keep several pics of grandpa's junk in my phone. So when I'm feeling a little low, I can just look at those pictures and it perks me right up. I say to myself 'self, someday that'll all be yours, and you'll be able to do whatever you want with it.'

[Napolitano, turning green and looking for a wastebasket] "Ugh"

[Obama] "Joe, you huffed the aerosol propellent out of a whole can of stupid, didn't you?"

[Biden] "Not at all. Some of my fondest childhood memories involve grandpa's junk. We'd go outside and he'd show me all the crazy stuff he could do with his junk. Once we even found an ant nest in grandpa's junk. Ahh, those were the days."

[Obama] "Oh, I get it. You're talking about literal junk."

[Biden] "Why? What did you think I was talking about? I think your teleprompter needs a tune-up. You aren't making any sense at all."

Is that a train?

2011-06-21T16:06:00.000-07:00

Nah... There are no tracks in this tunnel. So it is either a semi with one headlight burned out, or I am almost out of the hectic mess that has been the last couple weeks. The crazy end-of-schoolyear rush at work is just about petered out and the church remodel is almost done. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to write up a post before the topic becomes old news...

Speaking of the church remodel - for all the electrical work I did, I only got shocked once, at that mildly! Yay! Which reminds me, I've had this bizzzzzarre recurring dream lately. Like, variations on the same dream about a half-dozen times over the last few months. In it, there is a big, distant thunderstorm. Much bigger and more energetic than we typically get around here in Oregon. I am watching it, "oohing" and "aahing" like one might do when watching fireworks. Usually wife or somebody else is with me. It gets closer. Next thing ya know, lightning starts striking nearby trees and buildings and I (we) start looking for a safe shelter. Then the real weirdness kicks in: rather than a flash, the lightning stays "on". It is a loud, crackly column of lightning from the clouds to the ground, and it starts moving around. Cuts right through buildings and cars and stuff and kicks up debris like a small tornado. It starts coming towards me (us), at about a walking speed. So it is easily outrun and out-maneuvered. There's even an ozone smell present. Then another "bolt" appears, and another, and another, and next thing you know I'm having to elude these stupid things. We're yelling to each other about how we have to get out of here. In the dream it is scary as heck, but when I wake up I don't feel that panicky thing that usually accompanies a really bad dream. Strange.

I haven't run any ponytailed dipwads in electric SmartCars off the road in a long time, and I think the dream is telling me I gotta quit slacking off in this area. But I'm not sure. Iff'n y'all are good at interpreting this kind of stuff, I'm all ears.

Happy Flag Day Repost

2011-06-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

Here's a little re-post for ya. You can look at the comment you left last year and see if you've gotten any smarterer.
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Oh, you said "FLAG DAY", like with an "L" in it. Ooops!

Not enough angry

2011-06-09T16:58:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me that the previous post did not meet the minimum RDA of anger. I don't want you all to become deficient, but I find myself in the (unfamiliar) position of not being very pissy about anything at the moment. Not sure what I'll do about it.

Wait a sec...

The radio...

They're playing Sympathy for the Devil. Man, I hate that song. Never been much of a Stones guy. Paint it Black is OK, I guess. But Sympathy is just horrid. Even worse than all their other horrid junk. Stupid subject matter, stupid "whoo whoo." It's over. Finally.

Aw, great. Here it comes... Just about every commercial break there's an ad for a regional hotel chain. "Free Continental Breakfast at most locations." You know what a freakin' Continental Breakfast is, right? A room-temperature croissant and a cup of coffee. Maybe a grape on the side. Yay. Am I supposed to get all fired up about that? I assume they're talking about Continental as in Europe and not Continental as in the big gas-hoggin' American car. 'Cuz this so-called "breakfast" is more like a Geo Metro Breakfast. They gotta be talking about Europe. Now I'm good'n ticked. They're boasting that they offer the same grub that some Belgian guy named Patrice eats in the morning. Ya know what, Patrice? Guys that go to Denny's and eat a Lumberjack Slam don't get punked by the Prussians twice every century, that's what!

But there ain't even a Denny's in my stupid town. No Wal-Mart, either. Yes, I gotta drive far out of my way just to enjoy the finer things in life like a Lumberjack Slam and a $19 DVD player that'll fail in a month. If I stay in town, my only choice is Shari's with that ridiculous octagonal building and overpriced pies. Did you know they trademarked that shape? Yep, if you try to open an octagonal restaurant, you'll get the visit from their attorneys. But, but, I got this GREAT deal on 45^o pipe fittings! What am I going to do with all these 45^o pipe fittings in a normal rectangular building? Sorry, champ. Screw two together and make a 90^o and shut up. 54,000 people in this town and no Denny's and no Wal-Mart. But we have TWO organic food co-ops. As Mick Jagger might say "whoo!" And we have a Market of Choice which is basically a co-op with cleaner floors and better lighting. Double "whoo!" Of course, I could go to Elmer's but the food isn't so great and they aren't very friendly. It says "breakfast served anytime" so I tried that old Steven Wright joke on them "OK, I'll have pancakes during the French Revolution." Not even a glimmer of a smile from the ornery old waitress, so I ain't going back there ever again. What's a hungry redneck supposed to do?

I dunno either. But just talking about it all has got my blood pressure back to well into the triple digits and my scowl is coming back. I feel much better now. Thanks for listening.

Not gon' do it

2011-06-09T13:03:00.000-07:00


Portrait of Congressweasel from New York	who will not be mentioned by name.

I betcha there are some among you who are wondering why I haven't posted on WeinerGate. I know, I know, it is a topic that is right up my juvenile humor alley. The Hebrew National and Oscar Meyer jokes keep popping into my mind, but I just won't go there. Nor will I ask if "they plump while ya cook 'em." I declare this blog to be a Weiner-free zone. I might be the only righty on the planet who has avoided this topic, and I will continue in that role.

Instead, I will ask about Governor Hairstyle from Texas. Seems that he's chased Newt out of the race. That alone makes him worthy of consideration if he chooses to run. But I don't know much about him. I've heard he charts kind of a squiggly path with regard to illegal immigration. Is this verdad? I don't ask for much in a candidate. All I want is someone who will kidney-punch all the illegals and suck every last dirty drop of oil out of Mother Earth. (hey, we owe her that much), while balancing the budget.

OK, I exaggerate a little. All I really want is somebody besides Obama. There's an itchy scab on the top of my head from when I was crawling around in the church attic the other day - the little spinny thing on the fire sprinkler decided to grab a wad of my hair as I was passing under it - I'm saying I'd vote for that scab before I'd vote for Obama. I'd even vote for that stupid little spinny thing, despite the intense loathing I have for it. But we can do better, can't we?

Most of us have been waiting for somebody else to step in. Somebody who is not a RiNO but has some experience and some electability. Somebody we could really get jazzed about. Is Governor Perry that guy?

Wooo! Freebie blog content

2011-06-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

Got this in my inbox. I could see Palin (or somebody like her) doing this on the campaign trail...

--------------------------------------

(Scene: Sarah Palin on a dais.)

(Behind her are large posters of Wiener pics, the most published--underpants, chest and with a cat--prominent. Less known pics fill the background.)

(Sarah begins her talk with the words,)

"Democrats will tell you anything to get elected. This is the essence of the word, 'demagoguery.' Whenever the Left talks about a woman's right to choose, we are told that abortion is not murder. Nothing about the choices women face. Nothing about a baby's life. Whenever the Left tells us that we need to spend more taxpayer money in order to save jobs, we are told government expenditures are an investment. Not that they are a drag on job creation. Not that it takes money from businesses that are struggling to survive. Whenever the Left talks about the importance of sustainability, we ignore the fact that every 'sustainable' idea is unprofitable. And that profitable ideas sustain us. That is, taxes come from profitable enterprises, not 'sustainable' enterprises.

"Anthony Wiener is a poster boy of the Left. For twelve years, Anthony Wiener has told you that America's values are bad for you. Independence, liberty and freedom, personal responsibility, honor and integrity are values to be ridiculed, since only the values of the Democrat Party are to be adopted and practiced.

"And here we are today, with an admitted liar, listening to the Left defend and failure to decry Anthony Wiener's lack of personal responsibility, or sense of shame.

"Did Anthony Wiener violate his Oath of Office?

"The Oath is as follows:

"'I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter: So help me God.'

"I ask you today, did Representative Wiener well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which he had entered?

"Has America become so distanced from the values of liberty, truth and personal responsibility that the lies that we have heard from a sitting U.S. Congressman are no longer either relevant, or important?

"At what point do we need to admit, that Representative Wiener's first response to his current problem was simple. To lie to his constituency and to the American people?

"The Republican Party recognizes the painful path ahead. The idea that America deserves Universal Health Care, that Americans demand Universal Health Care will, at some point be seen as an idea more suited for European social states. Decades of legislation that has depended upon the relationship between a corrupt political tradition of unprincipled legislators and special interest lobbyists have ensconced entire industries that exist solely for the purpose of furthering industries and unions that live like parasites within the body politic.

"In America, the highest value is, and always has been, placed upon individual liberty and economic freedom, and yet we have codified the existence of industries and unions that do nothing more for the health and success of our country than do the parasites that invade any body. And the more successful the parasite, the longer it can exist without being discovered. The risk to Liberty has been the promise of the Plantation; the promise that if we rely upon our government to take care of us we will be better people, where all of our concerns are dealt with by caretakers who cater to our needs, from diet, to work, to how many children we are to have, and how to raise our children. 'Innovation' has become a buzzword of the Progressives who are attempting to direct our state's and national economies with promises of 'New Technologies' that are neither profitable, nor desirous. These Overseers will make sure that we are productive citizens that contribute in sustainable ways to the future of our nation. That our children will be better children. That our future will be Green and Carbon Neutral.

"However, Free Men don't live on Plantations. And talking honestly about the practices of former Presidents, and former Legislators, that promised more than we could afford, is going to happen.

"What Representative Wiener represents is a recognition that the time has come for us to begin to talk honestly about the problems that we, as a Nation, are facing.

"When Representative Wiener recognized that his actions had put him in a place where his reputation was jeopardized, what was his initial reaction?

"To lie.

"To lie to the Press, to lie to his Constituency, and to lie to the American People.

"When Representative Paul Ryan advanced his plan to fix Medicare and Medicaid, what was the response of the Democrat Party and its leadership?

"The answer is simple.

"They lied.

"Medicaid and Medicare is being cut. That's true. And the cuts are being contained in the Democrat's best effort at attempting to continue their lies. It's called 'ObamaCare.'

"Under ObamaCare, budgets for Medicaid have already been cut by $500-billion dollars.

"In an economy of 14-trillion dollars, which includes all and every economic activity in this great nation of ours, Medicare cuts, alone represents a cut of two-point-eight percent of our total economy. That's every manufacturing job, every machinist's job, every autoworker's job, every software designer's job, every home builder's job, and all the jobs in America that adds to our national wealth. A great and diverse economic miracle, the United States is the most creative, productive nation on the face of the Earth, in the history of all Mankind. Isn't it interesting that the trillions of dollars in additional government spending, for subsidies for fuel made from corn, to subsidies for windmills, for subsidies for trains going nowhere, that these promises are more valuable than the promises our country made in the past, to folks who worked and invested, planning on a certain level of truthfulness from our elected politicians? And relied upon their own independence?

"The object lesson of Representative Anthony Wiener is an important lesson; there are those in America who will raise fears, raise expectations, and more importantly lie in order for them to further their own, personal success.

"Tonight, Representative Wiener talked about his 'personal responsibility.' Do we continue to believe men that are proven, serial liars? A man that lied to all those around him, his Constituents, the American Public, journalists, his family and friends?

"The responsibility of every elected official in the United States is written in the Oath that all Representatives take when they are sworn into office.

"As a United States Representative, it is true that Congressman Wiener ridiculed those who disagreed with him. We hear the demagoguery of the past, from 'giving tax breaks to the rich,' to 'ignoring the plight of the poor.' As the problems we are facing, both from the sustained Obama depression, to mis-guided efforts to convince you that increased government spending is an investment, that throwing good money after bad, that the role of government is to ensure that you achieve social justice instead of equal opportunity, that all the issues that created the body of Representative Wiener's work were simple efforts to divide the Nation, between classes, between the haves and have-nots, between those who seek opportunity and those who seek to be taken care of, that there is a simple difference between America and the rest of the world, Congressman Wiener teaches us a simple moment; what is the Truth?

"What is the Truth?

"And why is it that no media asks this question?

"America was built upon some fundamental ideas. Some fundamental beliefs. Some fundamental Truths.

"That 'All Men are Created equal.'

"Not that we need government to adopt policies and regulations that attempt equality.

"We start equal. In America, we are equal. Rich and poor, alike. No matter the color of your skin. No matter your Faith, or lack of Faith. Adopting the promises of those advanced by Progressives like Anthony Wiener aren't protections of our Liberty. The are the building-blocks on the pathway to a Road to Serfdom. And I'm not willing to give up my liberty to accept the medical care, the dietary constraints, the innovations in our country's economy that are deemed acceptable and prescribed by our nation's elite.

"No nation on the face of the Earth has been successful married to the ideas of Progressivism, Socialism, or Communism.

"But, America, dedicated to honesty, to social and economic freedom and liberty has created the Greatest Nation in the History of the World.

"This is not the time to adopt the social tendencies of the Old World. This is not the time for us to consider Kings and Queens. This is not the time to look to a Central Planner or Government Agency to find out what we should do.

"To fix America is simple.

"Simply allow Americans to do what Americans have always done: to innovate, to create, to build, to invest, to dream.

"Now is the time to decide, whether to accept the leadership of a Congressman Wiener, or to do what America does best.

"Now is the time to create jobs, to build factories, to drill for oil, to search for our natural resources, to build mines and wells, to harvest trees and actually invest in those things that are profitable; sustainable jobs that are profitable. Sustainable, since they are financed through private capital and private resources, rather than through escalating taxes and increasing regulation.

"Now is the time to build America. Not on the lies of whatever it takes to keep ones job in the Congress. Given that some areas of the country will never again accept the truths of America's past, it's history and greatness, but instead ignore the values of the simple freedoms and liberties that we have all been promised by our founding document and our Founding Fathers and our Constitution. The constituents of Congressman Wiener may end allowing him to retire from Congress at an old age. But one or two, or more Congressional Districts are not representative of what America is, nor, for which it stands.

"It is time for us to defend America. Not just our borders, but our beliefs. That we are different from the rest of the world. That freedom and liberty aren't just archaic ideas. But practiced, every day. By Americans.

"I am here, at a time when the media would wish I would just go away. Just as there are those who wished that the ideas I believe in would just go away.

"Congressman Wiener wishes I would go away. He wishes to promise this country that his vision of America is the only possible vision. That we must rely upon our government to choose the best paths for us to follow, from investments to jobs to what is, or is not, acceptable public and private behavior. The only problem is, when called upon to do the right thing, the honorable thing, he faltered.

"Congressman Wiener's entire education, experience, public and private life told him that at the moment of crisis, he had to lie.

"Americans must decide; to adopt the policies and practices of Congressman Wiener, or to re-affirm the policies and practices we've been taught since we were children, American Values, like Truth, Justice, Liberty and Freedom.

"Tears and weakness will not do. Today is a day of choice. Will we be Americans? Or will we be Wieners?"

Pokin' my head out of the bunker

2011-06-06T11:37:00.000-07:00

Just pokin' my head out of the bunker for a sec, before I get back to toiling. See, this time of year - when all the schools are winding down their year - is psycho-busy for me. Throw in the church remodel going on and the second job, and, well, the blogging bug ain't been bitin' barry often. I appreciate your expressions of concern (and bail money) but, really, everything is fine. My infrequent posting is nothing to worry about. I'm fine. Really. Don't believe me? Here. I'll prove it:

I spent a goodly bit of the weekend crawling around in the rafters of the church, running some 'lectricity to the new bathrooms. Lights and fans and stuff. Trust me, it's important that those fans get a good supply of juice. I'm not an electrician, but I know enough to hook things up safely and not burn anything down. (So far). What I lack is the experience to just whip through it. And the cool tools. Having to do everything with just a screwdriver and my teeth really slowed me down. SO DID THE HEAT. It was really, really hot up there. I was sweating like crazy. Next thing ya know, the calf muscles are trying to cramp and the back is trying to spasm. Not good. I don't get back spasms often, but the couple of times they've happened I've been pretty much immobile. Crawling out of there and getting back down the ladder could have been really bad. Thankfully the cramps never advanced past the "annoying" stage. The freekin' fiberglass insulation, though, advanced WAY past the "annoying" stage. Nothing quite as fun as a sweaty wallowing in the fiberglass. Owens? Corning? Someday... Someday, I will bump into you guys in a dark alley. And y'alls better be wearing your cups! I'm not sure how much of that junk I inhaled, but my wife said that in the middle of the night I coughed up a jet-ski hull. It was so hard to breathe that my hands were trembling like Joe Biden's hair plugs when he's amped on Strawberry Quik and Rolos. Makes it hard to get the Phillipian bit on the screw shooter to line up with the heads on the drywall screws. Oh, yeah, then there was the "after all that work is done, realize that the light fixture spec'd by the architect won't fit where it was intended to go" thing. Farkin' architects! Question for the Pharisees and Sadducees: Is cussing under one's breath more of a sin when done in a church, or is it less so 'cuz it was done while sweating for the Kingdom?
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Speaking of sin, I really shouldn't be joking about it. I'm increasingly convinced that the End is coming soon. I'm not going to throw out a date like that fool from a couple weeks ago. According to the actuarial tables, I'm about halfway through my earthly life. I'm just saying that I'll be surprised if I die of old age before Christ returns. That's about as specific as I can get. That said, come soon, Lord! At the rate I am acquiring new aches and pains, I'll be a hunched-up cane-using little Yoda type guy slightly grammar better with, by the time I am 50! Contorting around joists and insulation like the mythical RafterBoy doesn't help. I really need to just be kickin' it in a hammock. Doctor's orders or something.
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Speaking of Rolos, the Very Famous Burger Chain I do mornings at has added a Rolo item to the shake menu. I overheard one of the little snotnoses there asking another "What the hellza Rolo?" and I replied "Are you even serious?" and he was. So I sang the little jingle. "You can roll a Rolo to your friend! They're chocolate-covered caramel from end to end!" Everybody within earshot looked at me like I was on crack. Kids these days! They can text, download an iTune, and play Call of Duty. All at the same time. But they don't have even the vaguest idea what a Rolo is. We are so doomed.
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Speaking of so doomed, that's what Georgia, Creighton and Arkansas-Little Rock are. Because they had to play my Beavers in the NCAA Baseball Tournament. Wish college baseball got more attention and coverage. It is a really good flavor of baseball. Plus, it's like the only sport we're really good at. OK, I exaggerate. We're pretty good at football. Most years we end up ranked like #23 and go to a middling level bowl. We're always good at Wrestling and Gymnastics. For about 60 years we were really good at basketball but lately have sucked. But baseball... National Champs in '06 and '07. I pity the fool that gets between the Beavs and another National Championship.
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Speaking of really good flavors, I'm talking about those assorted muffins my wife puts in my lunch. One day it's blueberry. Mmmm. The next day it's chocolate chip. Mmmm. Then it's poppyseed. Mmmm. Then it's, um, like compressed sawdust. NOT a really good flavor. Ack. Ever heard of Synesthesia? It's a condition where inputs from one of a person's senses affect what is received from the other senses. The typical case involves a person who sees colors while listening to music. Most people who have it like it and are glad for it. I think I may have a mild case, as my brain assigns sounds to things I see. Not literal, audible sounds, but rather like the "voice" of me reading silently. Does that make any sense? [No. Our readers already suspect we're schizo. This isn't helping. -ed.][Shut up, you're being delusional. Again. -ed.][Fine. Whatevs. -ed.] Like when a squirrel is bounding across the street, my "mind's ear" hears a little ba-doop-ba-doop sound. Really. At least until I swerve and turn him into pavement pepperoni. [Kidding!] And when I ate that HORRID muffin, my senses got crossed up again: That muffin TASTED exactly like a wicker basket SMELLS. Couldn't even swallow the first bite. I can only imagine what the fiber count in that beast was.
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Speaking of 'that beast', Michelle Obama's favorite soft drink is Sierra Pist.
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Speaking of fiber, I am reminded of a really funny bit of stand-up by the late Dennis Wolfberg. I'm sure it's in one of these links somewhere. When I get more time I'll try to find it.
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Speaking of funny white guys, I've noticed that their life expectancy ain't so hot. Dennis Wolfberg mentioned above. John Belushi. John Candy. Sam Kinison. Chris Farley. All the funny ones die way too young. S'pose that means that putz Bill Maher is pretty much immortal.

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Speaking of putzes, the Republicans are like foot fungus. Really wish they'd just go away. But they won't. They remain a lingering irritant. Democrats, however, are like a malignant tumor. A malignant tumor full of herpes viruses. A malignant tumor full of herpes viruses on fire. So, having to choose between a lingering irritant and a prolonged painful death, I've opted for the irritant. I am a Reluctant Republican. Keep in mind that "innominatus" essentially means "generic." When you see a poll that says "Obama getting whupped by Generic Repubican" you now know who they're talking about.
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Speaking of synesthesia, Tillamook makes EXCELLENT cheese. They also make VERY GOOD (but not quite excellent. Call it an A- ) ice cream. Their yogurt, however, is beyond nasty. It doesn't taste like fruit. It TASTES like air freshener SMELLS. Avoid it at all costs. You're welcome.

Air Traveler's Lament

2011-05-28T17:52:00.000-07:00

This actually started out a long time ago as a comment I left at King Shamus' place. Finally got around to finishing it up. Some people had trouble with my audio-only attempts in the past, so I used YouTube again since it is pretty much universally supported.

I still can't sing and the editing has a few choppy spots but I hope you like it. The voice of the PA announcer and of the icky TSA guy are my wife! (So be nice!)

Barry secret mission

2011-05-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

Barely topical, recycled photo. You're welcome.

[Axelrod] "Bams, the bump you got in the polls for offing Bin Laden has came and went. That was about the only good thing that has happened in the last year and a half. We need to recapture that brief, fleeting moment of success and ride it all the way to election time."

[Obama] "But every time I retell the story, my numbers go down, down, down."

[Axelrod] "Well, it's because of all the I, I, me, I you put into it. And getting your backside bored .060" over by Netanyahu the other day didn't help. What we need is a surrogate to go out there and sing your praises and remind the world of your awesomeness. But without all the taint of you being the one saying it."

[Obama] "Gotcha" [into intercom] "Joe, I have a very important mission for you."

[Biden, entering] "Sir, yes sir!"

[Obama] "Joe, regarding the mission to kill Bin Laden..."

[Biden, interrupting] "Wait! Lemme guess! The CIA has figured out where Zwarahiri is, and you want me to lead SEAL Team 7 and take him out!" [Jumps up on chair, wielding imaginary machine gun and making gun noises] "Rat-a-tat-a-tat Oh, you want some? Ba-da-da-da-da Oh, you want some, too? Bam bam bam pow. You can't handle the truth! Boom!!"

[Obama] "Joe, there is no SEAL Team 7."

[Biden] "Oh yes there is! It's so secret that I'm the ONLY one who even knows about it! Ba-da-da-da-da-bang!"

[Obama] "JOE! Knock it off! Get a grip!"

[Biden] "Sorry, sir. I get a little bit excitable when I'm wearing my Star Fleet underoos. I feel like I can take on the whole galaxy!"

[Obama] "Joe? Seriously? Star Fleet underoos?"

[Biden] "Yep!"

[Obama] "Ha! Me too! I wear gold. 'Cuz it's a command color."

[Biden] "No way! I wear red. RED is the command color."

[Obama] "No, red is the color the anonymous nobodies wear."

[Biden] "NO! Red is Captain Picard's color!"

[Obama] "Picard? Pthbthbth. He never had to fight the Klingons. Heck, they were allies."

[Biden] "It was a delicate relationship! Lots of Smart Diplomacy going on behind the scenes, let me tell you! Those dorky Klingons that Kirk fought weren't even real. They were just humans with brown shoe polish on their faces, and fu-manchu mustaches."

[Obama, leaning out into the hallway] "Michelle? Why do Klingons always look different, depending on which Star Trek is on?"

[Michelle] "Babe, you know I'm forbidden to speak of it."

[Obama] "Oh yeah. Sorry."

[Biden] "Tholian Web? Tribbles? Ooooh, scary! Kirk never had to deal with Q or with the Borg. Kirk never had to face half the challenges Picard did!"

[Obama] "Yeah? Tell ya what would have happened... Kirk would have strolled right into the Borg Collective. He would walk right up to the Queen and tell her 'Set phasers to love. Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded!' and she'd be all like 'ravage me!' and then he'd like totally bed that bossy Borg babe and like totally blow her mind and that whole subspace thought-control network of hers would crash and there would be Peace in Our Time. Then Kirk would say 'I have to go rescue some trapped miners on Rigel-7. Gotta go, toots.' and she'd be like 'please, stay with me!' "

[Biden] "OK. You got me there. I could totally see that happening. Picard would have just blabbered on in his logbook about the moral dilemmas of having to boink an evil chick that was half robot in order to save the Federation. Heh. I imagine the Borg Queen would be like "Kirk! Please come back! I promise to stop assimilating alien races, if you can just make me feel like that again!"

[Obama] *snorting LOL* "Hee. Then Barney Frank would chime in: 'Assimilating? I don't know what that is, but it doesn't sound so tewwible to me'."

[Biden, laughing uproariously] "Bwa-haa-ha-Barney bwaa-haa-ha-or bwee-hee-hee-that hah-hee-hah-Larry har-har-Sinclair guy."

Obama's face goes instantly sour. He makes silent eye contact with a Secret Service agent who nods knowingly. The agent approaches Biden from behind and fires his taser. The barbs embed deeply in the veep's scalp, placed perfectly to maximize the disabling energy passing through the target's brain...

[Biden] "Bwaa-haa-haa-hee-hee-ouch-haa-haa-hee-hee-haa!"

The agent presses the zap button repeatedly.

[Biden] "Bwaa-haa-haa-hee-hee-haa-haa-hee-hee-haa!"

[Agent] "Sorry sir. He seems unaffected by it."

[Obama] "Alright. Just give him a second to laugh himself out."

Biden continues laughing at his joke. Eventually his spastic laughter leaves him unable to breathe normally and he passes out.

[Axelrod] "Umm... Yeah. Bams, maybe we should consider sending out somebody else to remind the world of your awesomeness."

Blogger's Block: CURED!

2011-05-20T12:58:00.000-07:00

Can't think of anything to blog about? I HAVE DEVELOPED THE CURE! Never again will I be too busy/harried/tired/lazy/indifferent to come up with an idea, and if you follow my easy 2-step program, neither will you!

Step 1: Look at the first comment in your previous post. Use their comment as a starting point for your next post. Voila! Instant content! See how easy this is? However, if your blog is brand new and you're already writer's-blocked on your first post with no previous post to refer to, then you stink. Do not try to access the previous post. You'll get a division by zero error and the internet will crash.

Step 2: This is the most important step. **DO NOT LET MANHATTAN INFIDEL BE FIRSTIES ON ANY OF YOUR POSTS** Just trust me on this.

So, let's see how this works!
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Yesterday, Bob, who (not surprisingly) blogs at Bob's Blog wrote:

Finally, an historian who accurately writes about history!

Quality comment. Complimentary of the blog author. Also has some sarcasm directed at the pointy-headed types. A lot to like there.

But.

Bob used the indefinite article "an" instead of "a" which suggests he elides the "h" at the beginning of words. Like some bloody east-end limey. " 'ave a look at that, mate! That bloke done bumped is 'ead on a crumpet! " I was pretty sure Bob isn't a bloody east-end limey, but now my suspicions are roused. If any of you are bloody east-end limeys, remember that you are reading a Patriotic American's blog and we don't put up with that kind of junk around here. And what's up with "theatre"? When rednecks like me read that, we always mispronounce it as "thee a tree" and end up looking dumb, so knock it off. When some lispy Barney Frank type says it, it ends up sounding like his lispy version of "see a tree" as in "wook over dere! I think I thee a tree wiff a wittle birdie netht in it!" I'm sure we're all in agreement on this is something we all want to avoid, so use proper American English instead of that loopy English English, OK?
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See how great this works? Just follow these two easy steps and you, too, will have an endless supply of top-notch content! You'll have readers fighting for the opportunity to read your blog!

Field Guide to Hippie Identification

2011-05-19T13:20:00.000-07:00

In the previous thread, Buck asks a thought-provoking question: "WHY is everyone so down on hippies? They never hurt anyone!" Well, if there's one thing in life I like better than a root canal, it is answering readers' questions!

In the beginning, there were Beatniks. These were artsy-fartsy people who hung out in coffee shops and listened to acoustic Bob Dylan songs. Remember, this was way back in the beginning - before all the coffee shops had free WiFi. Heck, there wasn't even an internet then. There was ARPAnet, but you had to either be a VAX/VMS geek or Al Gore to even connect. But I digress. Sorry... The Beatniks would have spent their time looking at bizarre porno on their laptops off the free WiFi, if it had existed. But it didn't, so they sat around and wrote a lot of bad poetry. So it was for decades. Then there were some among the Beatniks who said "this is great, but it would be even better if we bathed less often!" Not all of the Beatniks were on board with this, though, so a schism formed. There was conflict and contentiousness. Soon, the peace-loving less-bathing group split off from the rest of the beatniks.

These were the protohippies. Forced from their native habitat, they began a westward migration towards places like Berkeley, Taos, and Eugene. As they settled in this new bountiful region, the favorable conditions allowed them to indulge in liberating behaviors like humping in the park while their friend tapped out the Morse Code for "got any weed?" on a bongo. Some particularly successful bands of hippies even had a guy named Ravi playing a sitar while they humped in the park. By now the protohippies had evolved into full-blown hippies. Gone were the berets and trenchcoats, which had been replaced by patchwork skirts and tangled hair.

About that time, LBJ said they had to go to Vietnam and shoot Charlie. The hippies, being peace lovers, were not cool with this at all. They had recently discovered fire, and they put this new discovery to use in the burning of draft cards. And bras. All was well for the hippies, and their population surged. Some remained rooted in their territories, while others chose a more nomadic existence following the Grateful Dead around in multicolor buses. Thus they gained sway over more and more territory.

When it appeared that they might be unstoppable, there was a concert at Altamont. The Hells Angels biker club had been hired to perform "security" at the event. Despite outward appearances, the Hells Angels might well be considered anti-hippie. There was a disturbance, and the hippies' fatal weakness - namely, pacifism - was exploited to the fullest and many a mangy hippie was beaten with a tire iron by a liquored-up Angel. This proved a turning point in the hippie history, as things were never quite as rosy afterwards. Some took up new identities, wearing saffron robes and giving out plastic flowers at the airport. Some actually cut their hair and got jobs. The remaining fled to communes where they survived on organic produce and LSD.

During the '80s, things got even worse for the hippies. There was a movement towards consumerism marked by things like improved grooming, stylish clothes and the Sharper Image Catalog. Yuppies, preppies and other -ppies arose and usurped the place once held by the hippies. Unfortunately this pendulum swing went too far in the opposite direction and Miami Vice was the result. Most of the hippies were now extinct - a mere remnant of them remained. Some came out of hiding having morphed into a meaner and more aggressive sub-species which would later come to be known as "neo-hippies." These were a distinct group from the earlier group, who would thereafter be known as "classical hippies."

The classical hippies clung to their live-and-let-live lifestyle and infrequent bathing. Examples of this breed include Jerry Garcia, Tommy Chong and Willie Nelson. The more assertive neo-hippies went on to take positions in the media and academe. Some neo-hippies even ran for government office - a complete refudiation of the classical hippie mantra against The Man.

Which brings us to the present day. It may at times be difficult to classify a hippie that one might encounter. The best way is to tell the hippie "Why doncha get a haircut, you maggot-infested lump of human debris! And maybe get a job while you're at it!"

If the hippie says, in a Tommy Chong accent, "Hey man, conflict is not the answer, man!" then the hippie is a classical hippie. Take advantage of the classical hippie's pacifist tendencies and kick him at will. Or, if he doesn't smell too bad, invite him to your next party. Sometimes hippies are fun to party with. This is a decision that should be made on a case-by-case basis.

If the hippie gets all indignant and tries to run you over in his Prius, then he is a neo-hippie. While the Prius is unlikely to do any lasting harm, be aware that the neo-hippie can be quite vicious. He may try to take out a hydroelectic dam to save the salmon, or may make your incandescent light bulbs illegal. If you choose to kick this hippie, be aware that he either is a lawyer or married to a lawyer and you may face some kind of civil penalty. But because of neo-hippie policies we are all broke and thus pretty much lawsuit-proof. It is unlikely that the judgment against you will ever be collected because you are penniless. Again, the decision to kick this breed of hippie should me made on a case-by-case basis on whether you have any assets that could be seized by some lefty judge. Even if you do, you may find the satisfaction from kicking the hippie to be worth the expense. I certainly do.

Curses! Foiled again!

2011-05-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

Six, who blogs at The Warrior Class, sprayed a little common sense on yesterday's Big Brother Is Watching My Dog post. I'd like to think that I'm soooo important that the authorities data-mined their secret database of secret stuff to figure it all out, but they probably just asked my neighbors. Kind of a disappointment. Maybe someday I'll be subversive enough to merit more than just an occasional traffic ticket, but I guess I ain't there yet. A man has to have goals, ya know.

On the bright side, this means they're probably not onto my secret identity as a nocturnal crime-fighting hippie-kicking caped superhero...


Your neatly combed hair and spiderman suit don't fool me, hippie. I'm still comin' after you!

**UPDATE**
There's some confusion brewing in the comments. Ahem, let me be clear. I AM NOT SPIDERMAN. Nor am I Aquaman and never will I be. For one, I'm straight. Secondly, I have crappy form when I swim so I get tired pretty fast and lobsters never do what I tell them. So screw them and all the other undersea critters. I am innominatus, the generic superhero. This grotesque semihuman abomination pictured above is my nemesis. 'Cuz every superhero needs a nemesis as Frank J. made so clear yesterday.

I hope we're all clear on this now.

Cool or scary??

2011-05-16T12:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a busy day. Evening church service was canceled because we had a bunch of cleaning and re-arranging to do before some contractors show up today for the next phase of our project. So I was at the church helping out. When I got home, I found a note on the front door say "Your dog was out loose and terrorizing people. I got him back into your backyard and closed the gate." There was a name and phone number on the note, so my wife called and thanked the helpful lady who did this for us. The lady backpedaled a little on the "terrorizing" and said it was more like "running up to everybody passing by, acting protective of the property." She said "I just forcefully told him to get back there and pointed at the gate, and he went right in and I closed it behind him." Anyway, I'm thankful she took the time to do that for us. And I don't know if Chance was really being aggressive or just curious. He's SUPER gentle when we're around, but I don't know how he acts when we aren't around, because, well, we're not around! Anyway, I bungee corded and twined the gate closed. I'm not sure how he got it open to begin with, but it should be extra secure now.

So when I get to work this morning the boss says "How was the weekend? Dog on the loose, huh?" Evidently the local police called my boss to see if he knew how to contact me. He was in the middle of singing "Happy Birthday" so he didn't answer the first time they called. They then called HIS DAUGHTER! Who lives in another county about an hour away. I only see her once or twice a month. Heck, since she got married a year or so ago, I don't even know her last name! Yet the police were able to find her and call her on her cell! She had no idea how to get a hold of me, so they called the boss back a second time. He answered and said "It's Sunday, so he's probably at church" and gave them my home #. Dunno if they called, as there was no message.

HEADS - It is really cool that the local police went to so much effort to find me and let me know what's going on. And (so far, at least) no citation or anything. Had my boss not mentioned this, I'd have never known that the police were ever involved. They just used their resources to try to solve a problem I didn't yet know I had.

TAILS - How did the police even know where I work? And how to contact my boss and my boss' daughter? I can see (maybe) how they could check the dog's tags and figure out who I am, then check some kind of tax record to see where I'm employed, then check some kind of record to see who owns the place where I'm employed, and then, and then... I'm thinking of that line from the first Terminator movie: "I have detailed files." This is spookin' me a little!

Maybe the dog license form asks for all this kind of info. Dunno. My wife fills them out and sends them in. I'll ask her when we both get home from work. But in the meantime, I am simultaneously glad that someone was willing to make sure the pooch was OK, and also feeling like Big Brother is watching VERY closely!

I know at least two of my readers are in law enforcement. Can either of you offer any insights?

Blogger back to normal?

2011-05-13T09:56:00.000-07:00

No, not blogger as in "author" but Blogger as in the googlesoft that has been down a lot lately. Last night I came up with the PERFECT strategy to ruin any democrat election chances AND simultaneously cause all R's to cut taxes, balance the budget, bomb our enemies, seal the border, and still have money left for free guns for everybody.

So when I went to post on this breakthrough idea, Blogger said "Umm, sorry, we're in read-only mode for some 'maintenance' for a while."

And now I can't remember what my plan was. Dang.

Presidential numerology

2011-05-11T15:32:00.002-07:00

So there are some dingalings out there predicting the End of the World on May 21. Even though Jesus himself said nobody would know the day or the hour. Guess that means these people are smarter than Jesus or something. And they used numerology to figure it out. Which, like astrology, divination, witchcraft, etc, is a sin. So I'm not exactly freaked out about their predictions. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if God pulled the trigger a day early, just to embarrass these morons.

But it got me to thinking about numbers and patters...

The human brain is magnificent at pattern recognition...

And I noticed an interesting pattern:

In the modern era, Republican presidents with monosyllabic names have been quite inferior to those with two-syllable names. And it is the main reason why John McCain got whupped. Think I'm crazy? Let's give it a closer look.

George - Dubya was good at some things, stunk at some other things. I think we can agree that he was a mixed bag.
George the Elder - Remember his "Golly!" moment at the check-out line? 'Nuff said.
Ronald - Shut up about amnesty and the Beirut Marine barracks getting blown up. In every other way the man was like pure kickass rolled in a tortilla of awesome.
Gerald - Two syllables, but yet he mostly sucked. 'Cuz he was just filling in for Dick.
Richard - Was really monosyllable "Dick". And he pretty much sucked. Thanks for opening China, you [bleep].

The opposite is true of Democrats. Since they are like bizarro-Superman antimatter version of Republicans, everything is ~~perverted~~ inverted. If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.

Barack - Colossal megafail. Too bad he had such commie crackhead parents who gave him that weird name. Imagine if he had been named Brock. Every Brock I've ever met has been manly, decisive and generally cool. But no, Stan had to put an extra "uh" in her kid's name. Buh-rock. The world is paying a heavy price for that little moment of stupid.
Bill - Monosyllable. Yeah, he sucked. But as democrats go, it wasn't as awful as it could have been. His administration was a couple Mongols short of being a full-on MCF, which is exactly what my theory would predict.
Jimmy - Two syllables, twice the suck.
Lyndon - Two syllables. Quagmire in Vietnam... Great Society... I'll stop there.
John/Jack - Either way, he was monosyllable. And he was also the last D that was borderline decent. Coincidence? I think not. Had his moral failings but cut taxes and didn't take crap from commies.

What does this all mean today? It means just say no to Newt, Mitt, and Huck. Unless they add a syllable to their names.

Quick Joke

2011-05-10T18:18:00.000-07:00

How many ecofreak progressives does is take to screw in a CFL light bulb?

Only one. But it takes the entire Operating Room staff to get it back out!!!

Bin Laden Went Down to Pakistan

2011-05-07T17:47:00.000-07:00

OK, the blog has been neglected lately. I hope this (at least partially) makes up for it. It was a lot of work but also a lot of fun. I don't mind country music, but I don't really count myself a fan. But to me this song has always ROCKED!

I started this a few days ago before barry & the boys started changing their story. So it is no longer as "historically accurate" as it was the day OBL's death was announced.

Feel free to link and/or embed a copy if you like this. Also, it is my first youtube so please lemme know if it misbehaves.

Some parts of the song Charlie sings like a friggin' auctioneer and I can't really keep up. Written lyrics below for those who can't understand my mushmouth.

Bin Laden went to Pakistan, fear he was startin' to feel
He was in a bind, had to hide his behind, Americans pursuin' him with zeal.
Then he came across some Navy SEALs in a chopper, comin' in hot.
Bin Laden jumped behind a girl and said "Oh crap, I've been caught!"

"Now I may have failing kidneys, but I'm a rifle shooter, too
"And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll shoot it out with you.
"Now you have a pretty good rifle, boy, but give Allah his due:
"Convert or die, whore infidel! Akbar allahu!"

The SEALs said: "We're here for you Osama, there's no way that you can win
"Tonight you die, you sonvabitch, 'cuz we're the best there's ever been!"

Johnny's magazine is full, pilot pulls up hard.
Hell's broke loose in Pakistan, Bin Laden's drawn death card.
He can't win, he'll get no Paradise or gold
But when he loses, the devil gets his soul.

The SEALs flicked their safeties off and said "time to start this show."
And fire flew from their barrel tips, Bin Laden felt the blows.
Osama gathered himself one last time and made an evil hiss.
Then a few more SEALs joined in and it sounded something like this:
[simulated combat]
With Osama finished, Johnny said: "Now you're dead, oh, Bin Laden.
"That big hole in your skull, right there, thats' how SEALs git-r-done!"

Fire in the compound, jihadis run.
Bin Laden's brain's out in the shining sun.
Chopper sets down, hurry up let's go
"Casualties? Any wounded?"
"No, sir, no."

The hole in his head proved to all that he'd been beat.
Deep red blood pooled on the ground around the SEALs' feet.
"My soul is now in the fire, I know not what to do
"For I find out too much late that Allah is a Joooooooo!"

Fire in the compound, jihadis run.
Bin Laden's brain's out in the shining sun.
Chopper sets down, hurry up let's go
"Casualties? Any wounded?"
"No, sir, no."

Smarter than D'ohBama?

2011-04-28T12:48:00.000-07:00

The other day over at Ace's place there was a discussion of barry's IQ. Seems there's been some research done and there is a predictable relation between standardized test scores (like SAT or ACT) and IQ as measured on the Standing Bidet scale. Based on barry's ACT score, his IQ is likely 116. Pretty respectable, but not exactly the rocket surgeon he's made out to be.

Anyway, this got me to wondering... As a kid we took the IQ test but we never were given the results. Probably to keep genius kids like me from gloating. And also to keep gloating genius kids from being beaten up by the "big, strong, fast but not genius" kids. So I googled around the Worldwide Computer and found there are numerous sites that will convert SAT or ACT to IQ. And...

** I HAVE ALMOST 20 IQ POINTS**

** ON THE GENIUS-IN-CHIEF! **

And I'm betting a lot of you do, too! Maybe you'd like to give it a shot yourself. But what about people who haven't taken the SAT, GRE, or ACT? Or what if you don't remember your score? No worries, mate. I've come up with a simple test that is just as accurate as these highly scientificalish thingies out there on the web.

1. Have you ever been locked out of the White House and/or mistaken a White House window for door?

2. The Unites States of America is comprised of

50 States
50 States plus territories (like Guam and Puerto Rico) and administrative exclaves (like embassies)
57 States
31 Flavors

3. A Navy Corpsman is

An member of the US Navy, usually assigned to medical duties
An undead zombie-like creature

4. The United States possesses vast deposits of coal, natural gas and oil. Therefore, we should

Save the lizards in Texas
Buy lots of oil from evil people
Drill baby, drill!

SUBMIT ANSWERS

Yay Portland (??)

2011-04-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

I betcha some of you saw this at Ace's last night. I don't hate soccer. It is a good sport featuring talented athletes. But I do enjoy teasing soccer fans. They are a touchy bunch and gettin' them riled is almost as much fun as taunting a liberal. And often times the soccer fan IS a liberal, so hassling them is like cashing in a 2-for-1 coupon.

You know the kind of people I'm talking about: The ones with a $3000 bike on a rack on top of their Subaru Outback. That listen to "World" music and eat a lot of soy products. They like soccer 'cuz it's so eeeurrro. So innnnnternational. So not confined by American cultural hegemony. Combine that attitude with the home opener for the Portland Timbers and it's hard to believe any good could come of it. Portland is the most wretched hive of scum and villainy and soy-eating Subaru drivers on earth. When I saw this clip I was expecting something like naked anarchists to come out and do a synchronized Segway presentation.

I was wrong. That happens once in a while. And not one over-rated pseudo-celeb mangling the Anthem anywhere to be found. I like it.

Not enough hours in the day

2011-04-14T12:50:00.000-07:00

Ever wish each day was, oh, about 30 hours long? 'Cuz there are just way too many things going on that merit a good angry rant, but not enough time. An extra six hours would be perfect: 3 more hours of sleep and 3 extra hours to scream at the world. It would make me feel sooooo much better...

The other day a car parked next to mine had a dead battery. The morons left the parking light on for a couple hours and pffft. First of all, what kind of gutless turd are you driving if it is dead after only a couple hours of parking lights? And second of all, how dare you ask me for a jump when your carload of morons is covered neck-to-toe in OREGON DUCK sweats? I was REALLY tempted to cross the jumpers and blow the diodes out of their alternator but they did enough ~~bowing like Obama~~ groveling that I was nice and got their car started. Plus, my car is also a gutless turd and I probably would have blown my own diodes. (Insert crass, off-color joke here)

Then I'm inside and ready for a snack. The little pastry thingies looked like they'd taste better warmed up, so I gave 'em a few seconds of nuke treatment. Bite, yumm. 'Nother bite, yumm. Another bite. OWWCH! One little bit of it was hotter than ~~fuc~~ Fukushima Reactor #2 in July. Burned my tongue and everything. Makes me wish for the good 'ol days when ya had to actually put something in the oven and wait half an hour for it to get warm. That way, it was all burned beyond recognition (like a strawman in an Obama speech) and ya KNEW it was going to burn your tongue so it wasn't such a brutal surprise.

Then the wife gets an infection in her left big toe. It went several days without getting any better so we went to the doc yesterday. They had to remove the toenail to get all the yuck out. The pain is making her miserable so if you're the praying type** and can spare a sec to pray for a quick healing, I'd appreciate it.

Then John Bo(eh)ner comes out with this budget agreement that cuts $38 billion or maybe $15 billion, or maybe $350 million or so, or maybe even costs us a couple extra bill - all depending on who ya ask. I thought elections were supposed to have consequences. I guess...

OK, I'm all ranted out. Time for a nap.

---------------

** Only if you're a Christian or a Jew. If you are neither, I'd rather your false little-g god didn't get involved.

Doubleplusbummed

2011-04-10T20:28:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: I fiddled with it some more last night and now it is recording again. Device Manager still calls it an "unknown device" that has no driver, but as long as it is recording OK I don't care! Thanks for all the help and suggestions.

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I finally had some time this weekend to do some recording. I've planned and practiced three, yep, count 'em, 3 parody songs. I even borrowed some gear from the church so I could get some better sound. Now all of a sudden, my computer won't record. The front input is just silence and the rear input yields only noise and random popping noises.

Device manager shows a yellow question mark with "unknown device on HD Audio Bus" so I tried to re-install the driver automatically. No go. Went to ASUS website and downloaded another copy. It installed an audio codec successfully but barfed on the actual device driver. So still no-go. Output is fine, however.

Ideas? Did some component in the audio system get cooked? I'd had good luck with ASUS stuff going back to the mid-'90s but then one motherboard's USB system cooked (literally) and then another ASUS board started acting intermittently flaky and the shop said it had a bad capacitor. This current one is about a year old and isn't otherwise giving me trouble so I'm not yet convinced it's an actual hardware problem. I'm much more inclined to blame it on Windows, 'cuz, well, it's Windows. XP with all the service packs and updates, to be more specific.

Hopefully one of ya is a tech hero that can help me out, because I know you're all just dying to hear my version of Simon & Garfunkel's ~~Mrs. Robinson~~ Ms. Napolitano!

Innominatus

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